On the Outside of Introspection

I’m tired of feeling like I have to

Censor my truth

I’m the predator and the prey

Of my self-worth

Trust me, I’m more scared of myself

Than I am of you


Don’t let me go

Unless you’d rather use me

Than care about me

In that case, I’d be happy to lose you

If it means finding the better parts of me


I need time alone

Forlorn and proud

But I can’t stand being away

From those I love for too long

Some may call me clingy

At least my heart is genuine

I’d rather not be awake from dusk to dawn



I’m a synthesized sunset

With eyes that are windows

To every soul

Shy petals

Blooming and blossoming

From both lips

And between my hips


Deceive me once

Shame on me for giving my all to you

Deceive me again and again

For your personal gain

Fuck you

It’s not my responsibility to be you for you


I’m a future tattoo

A shard of stained glass

A bloodstained word vessel

Bursting at the seams


I’m the personification

Of a broken heart

That is slowly learning

To love itself

My head is so full of dreams

I’m in the process of flinging them

Into my reality

Until the nightmares and dead serotonin

Don’t stand a chance


I went from a little white lie

To an empty picture frame on a bedside table

Getting lonely

Anxiously waiting to be filled

With tattered memories

If you’re able to save me,

You’ll awaken my ability

To save you too


I’m a clean mess

A backyard ocean

An evanescent goddess

Imperfect, but fearless

On the inside


The end of a year

Like the life of time itself

Is full of twists and turns

Two roads may diverge

But the wood may not always be yellow

To put it plainly,

It is impossible to be happy all the time


The heart will break and bleed

Like scarlet leaves

The soul will rage

Like wildfires untamed

The smallest breath

Can feel like a frozen death

Pain is just natural and realistic


Holiday after holiday

Smiling for camera after camera

Shivering in the warmest clothes

Slightly distrustful of

The warmest arms

It’s the most wonderful time of the year

If you don’t have to worry about suffocating inside yourself


Living can feel overwhelming

But I promise that it’s worth it

Everyone seems to love writing about

The sadness of December

But honestly, it can start earlier

I’m not trying to appear philosophical

This is simply what it means to be human


Make sure that the ones

Who always tell you to stay strong

Are doing okay

Don’t belittle anyone

For not meeting your redwood forest expectations

Put brightening a day

On your wishlist


Being brave is scary

But a feeling of pride is born

When you’re able to achieve it

Be your own plot twist

I am grateful for every little thing

Every kind, supportive word ever said to me

And in the end, if I love you, I won’t hesitate to show you


I have people that truly care about me

Passions that remind me to care about myself

Those things alone make me richer

Than any self-indulgent millionaire or billionaire

Love is better off as a way of life

Rather than as a marketing ploy

For money and likes


Nobody tells you that when you grow up

You will continue to make bad decisions

All that matters is that you keep learning from them

You will have lonely nights

And neglect your health to feel sane for a moment

To embrace happiness in every possible form

Despite all of the murky crimson water,

You need to live like a free verse poem

I stopped making formulaic resolutions a long time ago

Hopeful Heart

I’m a magnet for shadows

I let them love me

When I struggle to love myself

I have chemistry

With imbalanced brain chemistry

I light the way

For rivers of tears

I isolate myself

When I can’t handle the harsh truth

When in this state, if I love you

I’ll look anywhere but at you

It’s not your fault

And I don’t want to hurt you

But I’m only hurting myself

And I’m fully aware of that

I’m comfortable in my skin

So why do I vandalize it?

I’m proud of how far I’ve come

So why do I take cheap shortcuts?

I care so much about everyone else

So why don’t I show that same love

To myself?

Life can feel hopeless

But my heart is hopeful

It’s bruised, burned, broken, and still beating

There is a blanket of permanence

In my mind’s linen closet

I just have to keep removing temporary towels

To find it

I… just want to be happy

The Highway

I have never wanted to die

Just take a break from existing

Scars don’t lie

But they’re slowly fading

I won’t let anyone paint over them

They are my walls to crumble


Mindlessly driving

With a destination

Breaking my heart

Until the model improves

And the price is right

For dreaming into the sunset


Do you feel me

Like I feel you?

Do you see me

The way I see you?

Could you know and love me?

I could know and love you


You live to be the star

That I chase

But lately, more than ever

You’ve become the dark side of my moon

I feel like I’m losing control

Of my own life

Even though I’ve been in control all along


You help me

You hurt me

You heal me

You love me

I’m alone inside you


I lose sleep when I’m awake

You are awake when I’m asleep

Why am I always happy and sad

At the same time?

Feeling numb is even worse


You are a haven

For angels and demons

I adore and hate you for it

Getting lost in you is

A coping mechanism

But how do I cope with you?


My cheeks are wet

It’s hard to see the bright side

When it seems so far away

And I keep running out of time

But if time is an illusion,

Why can’t I just sit down and breathe?


There’s blood on the walls

Writing the words

That I’ve always happily choked on

There’s blood on the walls

Even though it’s invisible to others,

I know that it’s there

Aching to break through my veins

You warned me to break free from you

When will I listen to my own advice?


I am not possessed

This is who I am

The pain in the beginning

The static in the middle

Will all be worth it in the end

Life is worth living


I cannot blame you

Without blaming myself

Because I am you

Therefore, I have more power than I realize


There’s blood on the walls

It will dry and form scars

Life is still worth living

Your intoxication will never be gone

That doesn’t mean I have to give in to your night

I’m going to live for the day

When you’re dead to me

Abandoned Veins


Almost lovers







You have a pattern


I never really got involved

I observed you from afar

Apparently, you saw me too

One night, I came to you

In my darkest hour

And you stayed

You saw me

In a way, you saved me


The night progressed

And we brought our darkest voids

Into the light

In the most intimate way

And that continued each day


Sadly, all bliss comes to an end

Your heart fluttered for another

We wished each other the best

You and the another didn’t last

I tried again

With a renewed naive hope



Almost lovers







You have a pattern


I watched and listened

To you sing about lying lips

Little did I know

That your own were too good to be true

And I’m far from the only one

Who has ever fallen for you

You use words as weapons

In all the right ways


Your heart began to beat for another

You began to abandon my veins

Ignoring my ramblings

But it was okay

She brought out the best in you

You brought out the best in her

Anyone could tell

That she was the best year of your life

But the best never seems to be good enough for you

Sadly, she was no exception


You gave up something great

It was understandable

You said you needed time to just take care of yourself

Your mind was a living hell

It would be a while

Before you could love anyone else


However, hypocrisy is a bitter pill

That can’t be swallowed

Because barely a month later

You found somebody else

Keeping her in your arms

With the exact same types of words and charms

That you used on the one

Who it now looks like you threw away


You always post your life’s privacy


And delete any trace of accountability

I’m glad you’re happy

In a peaceful state of mind

But rebounding is a foul play in karma’s book


Don’t get me wrong

I could never hate you

In fact, I thank you

For taking my hand

And pulling me to shore

When I was drowning

For helping me fully realize

That I’m someone worth loving

And there are still other traits that I admire about you

Just not the way you love


We were strangers



Almost lovers

Now, we’re two ghosts

In a field of roses

My soul residing in petals on the ground

Your soul ensnared in the thorns of a stem

Traveling vines


I know now

That you were a large part of my life

At the right time

You helped me blossom

I’ll never forget that

But we grew apart

And I didn’t come to you two months ago

When I fell into the deepest darkness imaginable

I saw it on my skin

I saw it through my tears

I saw it in my head

I went to others for help instead

While you were celebrating

Your monthly anniversaries


You’re a songwriter

I’m a poet

We both write to become stronger

And to get closure

You bleed red and black

I bleed scarlet and nightfall


Some things aren’t meant to be

This is often learned the hard way

The desperate way

I let you see me

Thank God I didn’t let you have your way with me

I gave you several pieces of me

Thank God I didn’t give you everything

Thank you for introducing me

To a whole new world of music

And to someone who is so much like me

Someone my heart can beat for

Someone non-toxic

I’m Not Okay

Engraved with demands and reminders

Weighed down by my own daydreams

Until everything feels like a nightmare


Pieces of my strength scattered

Like crumbs on floor tiles

Like atoms throughout the universe


Watched like a hawk

By bad habits

Demons get angry when cast aside


Time is a social construct

But an extremely vivid hallucination

All senses exhausted until expired


What’s better?

Decent, fine, or enough?

I just want to be myself

Although, it seems I’ve lost me

I have to find me

Wherever, whoever, however I may be


I told you that I’m trying

I told you that I’m stumbling

Throw away the calculations

Life is meant for living

Stop criticizing and assuming

Start listening


Crying like nothing else matters

Wishing for life after death

The simple path to relief clouded by existential dread


Shields and swords clashing

On both halves of my dreary Eden landscape

Bravely fearful


Hypnotized by the unknown

Longing for the unknown

Sleeping awake in an almost realistic dream


Darting between a maze of lies

Just to realize the truth

Switching between putting you before me

And me before you


What’s better?

Average, perfect, or falsely perfect?

The answer is that none of it matters

Hear my heartbeat

Read my words to understand my thoughts

It will be okay because the pain is real

And I am still here