November

The end of a year

Like the life of time itself

Is full of twists and turns

Two roads may diverge

But the wood may not always be yellow

To put it plainly,

It is impossible to be happy all the time

 

The heart will break and bleed

Like scarlet leaves

The soul will rage

Like wildfires untamed

The smallest breath

Can feel like a frozen death

Pain is just natural and realistic

 

Holiday after holiday

Smiling for camera after camera

Shivering in the warmest clothes

Slightly distrustful of

The warmest arms

It’s the most wonderful time of the year

If you don’t have to worry about suffocating inside yourself

 

Living can feel overwhelming

But I promise that it’s worth it

Everyone seems to love writing about

The sadness of December

But honestly, it can start earlier

I’m not trying to appear philosophical

This is simply what it means to be human

 

Make sure that the ones

Who always tell you to stay strong

Are doing okay

Don’t belittle anyone

For not meeting your redwood forest expectations

Put brightening a day

On your wishlist

 

Being brave is scary

But a feeling of pride is born

When you’re able to achieve it

Be your own plot twist

I am grateful for every little thing

Every kind, supportive word ever said to me

And in the end, if I love you, I won’t hesitate to show you

 

I have people that truly care about me

Passions that remind me to care about myself

Those things alone make me richer

Than any self-indulgent millionaire or billionaire

Love is better off as a way of life

Rather than as a marketing ploy

For money and likes

 

Nobody tells you that when you grow up

You will continue to make bad decisions

All that matters is that you keep learning from them

You will have lonely nights

And neglect your health to feel sane for a moment

To embrace happiness in every possible form

Despite all of the murky crimson water,

You need to live like a free verse poem

I stopped making formulaic resolutions a long time ago

Hopeful Heart

I’m a magnet for shadows

I let them love me

When I struggle to love myself

I have chemistry

With imbalanced brain chemistry

I light the way

For rivers of tears

I isolate myself

When I can’t handle the harsh truth

When in this state, if I love you

I’ll look anywhere but at you

It’s not your fault

And I don’t want to hurt you

But I’m only hurting myself

And I’m fully aware of that

I’m comfortable in my skin

So why do I vandalize it?

I’m proud of how far I’ve come

So why do I take cheap shortcuts?

I care so much about everyone else

So why don’t I show that same love

To myself?

Life can feel hopeless

But my heart is hopeful

It’s bruised, burned, broken, and still beating

There is a blanket of permanence

In my mind’s linen closet

I just have to keep removing temporary towels

To find it

I… just want to be happy

The Highway

I have never wanted to die

Just take a break from existing

Scars don’t lie

But they’re slowly fading

I won’t let anyone paint over them

They are my walls to crumble

 

Mindlessly driving

With a destination

Breaking my heart

Until the model improves

And the price is right

For dreaming into the sunset

 

Do you feel me

Like I feel you?

Do you see me

The way I see you?

Could you know and love me?

I could know and love you

Haunted

You live to be the star

That I chase

But lately, more than ever

You’ve become the dark side of my moon

I feel like I’m losing control

Of my own life

Even though I’ve been in control all along

 

You help me

You hurt me

You heal me

You love me

I’m alone inside you

 

I lose sleep when I’m awake

You are awake when I’m asleep

Why am I always happy and sad

At the same time?

Feeling numb is even worse

 

You are a haven

For angels and demons

I adore and hate you for it

Getting lost in you is

A coping mechanism

But how do I cope with you?

 

My cheeks are wet

It’s hard to see the bright side

When it seems so far away

And I keep running out of time

But if time is an illusion,

Why can’t I just sit down and breathe?

 

There’s blood on the walls

Writing the words

That I’ve always happily choked on

There’s blood on the walls

Even though it’s invisible to others,

I know that it’s there

Aching to break through my veins

You warned me to break free from you

When will I listen to my own advice?

 

I am not possessed

This is who I am

The pain in the beginning

The static in the middle

Will all be worth it in the end

Life is worth living

 

I cannot blame you

Without blaming myself

Because I am you

Therefore, I have more power than I realize

 

There’s blood on the walls

It will dry and form scars

Life is still worth living

Your intoxication will never be gone

That doesn’t mean I have to give in to your night

I’m going to live for the day

When you’re dead to me

Abandoned Veins

Strangers

Almost lovers

Strangers

 

Strangers

Lovers

Strangers

 

You have a pattern

 

I never really got involved

I observed you from afar

Apparently, you saw me too

One night, I came to you

In my darkest hour

And you stayed

You saw me

In a way, you saved me

 

The night progressed

And we brought our darkest voids

Into the light

In the most intimate way

And that continued each day

 

Sadly, all bliss comes to an end

Your heart fluttered for another

We wished each other the best

You and the another didn’t last

I tried again

With a renewed naive hope

 

Strangers

Almost lovers

Strangers

 

Strangers

Lovers

Strangers

 

You have a pattern

 

I watched and listened

To you sing about lying lips

Little did I know

That your own were too good to be true

And I’m far from the only one

Who has ever fallen for you

You use words as weapons

In all the right ways

 

Your heart began to beat for another

You began to abandon my veins

Ignoring my ramblings

But it was okay

She brought out the best in you

You brought out the best in her

Anyone could tell

That she was the best year of your life

But the best never seems to be good enough for you

Sadly, she was no exception

 

You gave up something great

It was understandable

You said you needed time to just take care of yourself

Your mind was a living hell

It would be a while

Before you could love anyone else

 

However, hypocrisy is a bitter pill

That can’t be swallowed

Because barely a month later

You found somebody else

Keeping her in your arms

With the exact same types of words and charms

That you used on the one

Who it now looks like you threw away

 

You always post your life’s privacy

Publicly

And delete any trace of accountability

I’m glad you’re happy

In a peaceful state of mind

But rebounding is a foul play in karma’s book

 

Don’t get me wrong

I could never hate you

In fact, I thank you

For taking my hand

And pulling me to shore

When I was drowning

For helping me fully realize

That I’m someone worth loving

And there are still other traits that I admire about you

Just not the way you love

 

We were strangers

Accquaintances

Friends

Almost lovers

Now, we’re two ghosts

In a field of roses

My soul residing in petals on the ground

Your soul ensnared in the thorns of a stem

Traveling vines

 

I know now

That you were a large part of my life

At the right time

You helped me blossom

I’ll never forget that

But we grew apart

And I didn’t come to you two months ago

When I fell into the deepest darkness imaginable

I saw it on my skin

I saw it through my tears

I saw it in my head

I went to others for help instead

While you were celebrating

Your monthly anniversaries

 

You’re a songwriter

I’m a poet

We both write to become stronger

And to get closure

You bleed red and black

I bleed scarlet and nightfall

 

Some things aren’t meant to be

This is often learned the hard way

The desperate way

I let you see me

Thank God I didn’t let you have your way with me

I gave you several pieces of me

Thank God I didn’t give you everything

Thank you for introducing me

To a whole new world of music

And to someone who is so much like me

Someone my heart can beat for

Someone non-toxic

I’m Not Okay

Engraved with demands and reminders

Weighed down by my own daydreams

Until everything feels like a nightmare

 

Pieces of my strength scattered

Like crumbs on floor tiles

Like atoms throughout the universe

 

Watched like a hawk

By bad habits

Demons get angry when cast aside

 

Time is a social construct

But an extremely vivid hallucination

All senses exhausted until expired

 

What’s better?

Decent, fine, or enough?

I just want to be myself

Although, it seems I’ve lost me

I have to find me

Wherever, whoever, however I may be

 

I told you that I’m trying

I told you that I’m stumbling

Throw away the calculations

Life is meant for living

Stop criticizing and assuming

Start listening

 

Crying like nothing else matters

Wishing for life after death

The simple path to relief clouded by existential dread

 

Shields and swords clashing

On both halves of my dreary Eden landscape

Bravely fearful

 

Hypnotized by the unknown

Longing for the unknown

Sleeping awake in an almost realistic dream

 

Darting between a maze of lies

Just to realize the truth

Switching between putting you before me

And me before you

 

What’s better?

Average, perfect, or falsely perfect?

The answer is that none of it matters

Hear my heartbeat

Read my words to understand my thoughts

It will be okay because the pain is real

And I am still here

Daytime Point-Of-View

It is said that night is the golden opportunity

For the surplus of thoughts to attack

But sometimes, it is when the first breath of sunlight

Breaks through the crack of my curtains

That they pounce

Nipping at my heels

Like hunting dogs

 

I cannot run

The new day yanks me toward it

A robot on a leash

I cannot hide in my mind

The dawn melted my walls

 

Survival is easier said than done

Especially when you’re an insomniatic daydreamer

The moon’s secret love affair

The predatory ball of fire’s prey

 

I feel like a stain on this earth

The flaming arrow’s target practice

A waste of a page

When I’m unable to take care of myself

When I’d rather stay in bed

Than be a productive fairy princess

I feel like I let you down

 

But I’m not sorry

For who I am

I don’t have to live in agony

Constantly

Sure, I can look at a brand new day

As a brand new start

Don’t assume that piece of advice

Will automatically change my life

I am in control

Of how I spend or splurge my time

Therefore, at the rise of the sun

My mood for the day depends

On how many colors

Were in yesterday’s sunset

And how many stars

Were visible in last night’s sky

Belonging

I can’t help it

If I am simultaneously

Finding and losing myself

I don’t have much control

Over how quickly my heart

Beats

Falls

Breaks

Mends

 

Time’s breath always on my neck

 

Big dreamer with a quiet voice

Bedroom eyes with a savior’s soul

I have yet to know what it’s like

To love and be loved in return

Is that too much to ask for?

Jealousy disguised as roses

My light as strong as gnarled thorns

As everyone around me has beautiful experiences

They know I’m here, but I’m invisible

I don’t trust just anybody with my darkness

 

Time’s breath holding my hair in a clenched fist

 

Laughing

Crying

Living

Dying

Listening

Observing

Yearning

Ignoring

 

You can’t force me to be an open book

Yet, whenever I am, it’s shocking

Guess the truth is out

Innocent girls make the best headlines

Fortunately, I’m not extra

You can read all about it

Next time you want to chase a waterfall

The fish are waiting

 

Time’s breath ghosting over my lips

 

Wishing

Hoping

Understanding

Pain is all-knowing

 

Time’s breath settling between my legs

 

Sobbing

Smiling

Believing

Time’s breath inflating

My lungs

Morose clouds hanging

Over my head

A vintage silver lining

I belong to me

Seasons go by

People will come and go in life

But that truth stands the test of time

Tribute to Words

a feather collage of paper

is a wordplayground

technological Big Bang

portal to new dimensions

fear is in bees and butterflies

they drop ounces of it into flowers

the comorbidly colored roses bravely bloomed

just like you

there is so much to say

 

words words words words

beautiful ugly magnificent absurd

sinful saviors

unfavorite colors

forevers and nevers

complicated simplicity

he danced until he fell down

she screamed what her heart is all about

they started a riot

worthy of an acceptance letter

to the University of Heaven

 

cruising through the underground

rhythm found

in silence and sound

boulders thrown at your window

at 2 a.m

pumpkin hours

speeches of endearment

spilling out from underneath eyelids

 

a sunset saw me smile

guilty yet so innocent

 

droughts in throats

floods of ink destroying the pen dam

shocked little lamb

the fire of last night

was hungover the next morning

refused to take a shower

brain warden shouted with generous anger

here’s your damn beach towel

 

sometimes scribbles that make negative infinity sense

can make all the sense we need

and so we sleep

Secrets

Maybe I’m tired

Of waking up on the floor

Maybe I’m tired

Of being a fighter

Maybe I’m tired

Of crying

Maybe I’m tired

Of trying

Maybe I’m just tired

 

The world’s a mess

But so am I

Walls come down

And I just lie

 

I told you

About the little things

That always make me smile

But I didn’t tell you

That I broke down last night

I keep telling you

That the future is bright

But I never tell you

About the times

I picked up the knife

 

Maybe I’m fine

Always being alone

Maybe I love you

More than you could ever know

Maybe I want to write down

All the stories I never told

Maybe all I need

Is a hand to hold

Maybe I’ll never stop

Pushing you away

Maybe one day

You will stay

 

Hearts are breaking

Open your eyes

My will to live is dying

And I just hide

 

They know me

But they don’t see me

They tell me the truth

But they don’t show me

All I can do

Is be there for you

 

I know the little things

That always make you smile

Last night, we smiled until it hurt

I told you about that time

I put down the knife

Together, we can heal

We will be alright

Even the strongest

Are weak sometimes