What?

Once again,

I reprogrammed my brain wrong

I can receive all of the advice, encouragement, and criticism

In the world

But in the end, it’s up to me

Looking back and comparing then to now

Really breaks and soothes my heart

I know what’s best for me

Exactly how much do I believe it though?

Self-sabotage party for one

Like my soul is decomposing

Playing with fire

Because I believe in magic

Optimistic optical illusions

I don’t know what I miss more

I kind of wish

That expectations didn’t exist

They’re so divisive

High and low through highs and lows

Rarely correlate

Heavy is the head that wears the crown

Thanks for picking me up

And being patient with me through all of this

Equations

When are you going to be good at math?

Why are you so quiet?

Why are you the way that you are?

Did you know that you’re still the same and changing?

It doesn’t matter

 

Why aren’t you more confident?

What do you have to be insecure about?

You’re such a nice girl!

Therefore, you must be nice all the time 

Even when you’re disrespected and put down 

Wow

 

When are you going to have your first date?

Your first kiss?

Your first relationship?

When are you going to lose your virginity?

When the time is right and I’m ready

 

Since you’re already *insert age here*,
What do you want to do with your life?

When are you going to get your driver’s license?

When are you going to graduate?

When are you going to get married?

When are you going to have kids?

Please leave me alone

 

Why won’t you tell every person

Inside and outside of your life

Every single detail of your personal life?

When will you stop being depressed?

When will you stop being anxious?

 

You don’t need to know everything about me

To care about me

Mental health is real

For the most part, I’m happy, healthy, and alive

My love and body are my prerogative

Don’t let anyone make you feel less than

For being human

On your own timeline and at your own pace

The human race is not a race

 

 

Stripped Version

Above all,

I love myself to the core

I walked across an ocean

And swam through hot coals

To get to me

By the time you stop to stare,

I’ve already moved on

 

Think of me as a warrior

On rare occasions, you come out and say it

That’s what you expect me to be

And that’s what I became

At the time, for you

Now, I go all in and all out for me

 

Trying to take things one step at a time

When everything in life seems to happen all at once

There’s more to life than the pain

There are people who can function as support

When they’re not the problem

Stress is a driving and drowning force

However, my love is worth more

Seasons of high heart market value

 

I am strong, but it’s impossible to be strong all the time

And that’s okay

Health is a jigsaw puzzle

Love is a journey with an invisible end in sight

The Artist

You wake up inside a dream

But you’re not asleep

It’s all real and it can be a nightmare

They want you to run and hide

Only after performing

For their entertainment

Your feelings are a commodity

Beautiful tragedy

But your dreams are made of

What you make them

Trying not to melt under the pressure

 

I don’t want the glory

Unless it’s for being me

The truth is that I lie sometimes

When asked how I am

I can’t take it anymore

Until I can

 

Loud when I’m low

Why can’t I live and survive

At the same time?

Death is the expected surprise

 

Have it all

And still want more

That’s how they drag you down to their level

And attempt to keep your pain invisible

 

Rip my heart out

And leave it on the ground to bleed

I’ll pick it up later

And share it with the world

 

They almost broke you

Tracing knives across your nerve endings

They want what they want

Not what you need

 

I hope I was able to save your life

When I saved mine

However, it’s not a responsibility or obligatory

It may have been the result of an act of passion

Take the “F” Out of “Life”

You need a job?

Well, experience is required for experience

You need free time?

Too bad because “time is money”

Control is out of control

I’m tired of repetitive hypocrisy

I’m tired of being tired

Expectations are boring

Common sense is a rarity

Respect is expensive

 

I’m no angel, but I’m definitely not evil

I know that much for sure

I’m not crazy about my complicated existence

But I would go crazy if it were always simple

 

If you need me, you don’t act like it

But honestly, I’m better off healthy

Keeping my distance from those who love with pernicious undertones

Better late than never

I procrastinate until I have no choice

But to overwork myself or fail

Both effects are inevitable

I’m okay now

But everyone wants to get higher

The ultimate fantasy is made up of millions

Of smaller fantasies, larger numbers, and multiple steps

 

Drowning out the negative voices

Inside and outside of my head

And amplifying the uplifting ones

A daily struggle

Heart’s homeostasis

Going through metamorphosis

What’s real that isn’t ruled by fear?

Who really wants to live a li[f]e?

Ironic Devotion

We are told to discover who we are

We are told who we’re supposed to be

Shamed for every emotion

Scapegoated for every wrongdoing

Blocked from spreading our own wings

News bringing hope and hopelessness

Neutrally split

Feeling like we’re living just to live

 

Let’s try romance

But how much public proof

Is enough evidence for true love?

Hearts hurt

 

Learning can’t seem to take place

Without “I told you so”

A sense of wonder is beautiful

Until it conflicts with another’s sense of greed

Let children be children

You only need to teach them how to grow

 

Expectations aren’t valid

Unless they’re realistic

Why is a time limit

Placed on every little thing?

Warnings aren’t always visible

To the eye

You have to look deeper

Into everyone else and yourself

 

Passing the time until we die

Long live success though

We desire to be more than a gravestone

The flowers that return to bloom

Each spring awakening

The Whole Expectations Thing Has Been Done Before

Low high

High low

Where do you go

When you’re lost in your mind?

Did you find yourself in your status update?

 

Wrong when right

Right when wrong

No line drawn

Between famous and verified

You’re doing nothing with your life

And telling everyone that you made it

 

You see photos and videos of a lifestyle

And decide that’s what you want

If you’re following it,

Then it becomes your dream

Are you happy?

Are you sure?

 

If magic is real,

You despise it

No one and nothing is allowed

To seem to have a better life than you

You wander without wanderlust

From bright city lights

To tropical resort paradises

From brand to brand

From friend to friend

From lover to lover

 

You stand out by blending in

You get close to make it more satisfying

To leave

You think in plans

So you never have to feel guilty

Couldn’t have expected more

From a living shipwreck

Pure

You wish that I would sit still

As you mold me

Use me

Try to control

My body and personality

But I am not your toy

I have better things to do

In my free time

 

You wish that I would stay silent

When you scrape away my dry flaws

Scratch my scars

Spit on me with dirty words

But I know how you are

And I’m brave enough

To speak up

 

You wish that I would listen

When you try to tell me how to live

That I would nod and smile

When you try to tell me how to feel

You say that I’ll break hearts

But the only heart

I’ve ever broken

Is my own

 

You wish that I would never grow up

Then, you wish I would

I am human like you

That’s the fact

You seem to have misunderstood

 

I can be young and wise

I can be old and reckless

I can be anything

That makes me happy

 

I am a microphone unchecked

A blank canvas

A wishing well of sex

A free spirit

Who will never rest

 

I am more than

A grocery list of insecurities

I am more than

A countdown of trends

I am more than

A slight feminine breeze

I am more than

Beginnings, middles, and ends

 

When I have a good cry

When I write my doubts away

When I can catch my reflection

And actually feel beautiful

When I can step into the shower

And wash away everyone’s expectations

That’s the purest form of me

You will ever see

Pedestal

You want me to grow

So you make me feel small

You want me to heal

So you reopen old wounds

You want the best for me

So you throw your worst at me

You want me to be happy

So you take my happiness away

I’m your pageant girl!

Oh my god

I’m worthy?

What an honor

Me being free

To express my own emotions

Oh the horror!

I make you so proud

You manipulate others

Into thinking everything’s perfect

That way, they’ll never see

How you manipulate me

What a pretty face I have

What a smart brain I have

What a hard worker I am

What a talent for writing I have

You brag about me in public

And drown me in private

Step on my oversensitive little soul

To inflate your ego

Like a parade float balloon

I’m your prized possession

Your fragile sacrifice

I bet that you believe in the saying

”Blood is thicker than water”

So, how would you react

If you ever discovered

That your baby’s tears

Grew up to be blood

That gushes like a river

Because we are all only human

And walls crumble

And when dams break

Skin is only as tough as porcelain

I’m your favorite decoration

Your brokenhearted doll

Forever questioning myself

Questioning my worth

Because you put me

On a pedestal

Just to bring me down

For the sake of

Raising yourself up