Regifted

I’m used to telling you what you want to hear

But there’s always more I wish I could say

This isn’t the way I want my life to stay

Feeling buried alive by the weight of words unsaid

 

You’ve been hiding my gifts

But I’m about to open them

I rarely put myself first

Because I was made to feel like

That’s a foreign concept

Your yes girl is all grown up

 

You tried to convey the message

That being in your presence

Made me lucky

I’m about to limit and close off my inner circle

 

My holidays aren’t happy unless I am

This is the conflict resolution

That the story of my life has been building up to

They Say If You Dream a Thing More Than Once, It’s Sure to Come True

Fabricated nonfiction- yikes

Fiction based on reality- yikes, but meaningful

Pay attention

Everybody’s got a story to tell

 

My vision may not be 20/20

But I’m not blind to what goes on around me

If you could feel

Everything that I feel

On any given day or night,

Would you want to live or die?

 

Running in imperfect circles

Words in the form of jagged lines

Sometimes, I start writing something

Just to see what happens

Provoking a concept

Provoking myself

Provoking my will to live

Several pages later

Better late than never

 

The more exhausted I get with life,

The less frequently I wear a bra

And what about it?

My golden body, my golden rules

 

Making a mental getaway

Do not disturb

You’ll remember my name

Why wait until my funeral to read this?

On a “I don’t care what you think of me” wave

Depending on the context of the situation of course

Living in an age

Where clowns lead parades

 

But enough about me

How are you?

Are you making the time and space

To be both selfless and selfish too?

 

Before Midnight

I lost and found myself

The lost part in San Francisco

Shakily crossing the Golden Gate Bridge

The found part staring back at me

Reflecting on my reflection

And reflections of past lives

Ready, aim, action

What are you doing?

Get louder than words

 

Dream land sails from coast to coast

Trying to understand me

Waiting for a lover who truly understands me

Who can stay by my side

Be my parallel line

 

My version of mindfulness

Is going back to the time

When I didn’t exist yet

If you could start all over,

Would you have let yourself fall?

Apart

In love

Together

 

I just want to get better

Feather in the Wind

Greetings and goodbyes in passing

To pass the time that’s passing away

Sunset in the background

Falling off the edge of the world

Oceans rising

Tears spilling

Burning emotional prisons to the ground

 

I feel like a feather in the wind

Detached from my wings

Whipped from the clouds

My softness challenged at every turn

Safe landing until I have to avoid getting trampled

Carried away by carelessness

Drifting through the air when I don’t care anymore

This is the price of freedom

 

So small

I guess I grew more on the inside

Yet, everything small grows

Until it’s largely overwhelming

 

It doesn’t matter what anyone says

I wish it would all go away

So far that it never returns

So that maybe I could find my way

Out of this malfunctioning arcade maze

And ask for help before I feel helpless

 

Opening closed doors

To lock myself inside

Desperate for a private place

To gather my dark thoughts

Into a book of omens

And bask in the light

Of an optimism

That I’m shocked is still alive

After all I’ve been through

I caught the floating feather

I caught myself

A New Kind of Serendipity

I give up

No, I don’t

I’m a waste of space

No, I’m not

My next move is my next goal, big or small

 

My dreams and health come first

Wait your turn

I’m carrying an empty treasure chest inside me

Fill me up buttercup

 

It’s my heaven and I’ll cry if I want to

It’s my graveyard and I’ll die if I want to

Even if I have to fake it

When you won’t let me take my time

 

I’m not what they told me I am

I’m not what I told myself I am

Not the greatest or the worst

But more than I think

And less than a forced pedestal

You’re not who you think you are

You are you!

Honey Stain

You’re running away for the thousandth time

Congratulations

Maybe actually improve yourself while you’re at it

 

Stole my heart and locked it in your ribcage

Always came back to you

And you still weren’t satisfied

 

You’ll miss the honey

On your bread

On your fingertips

On your lips

 

Now, her sweetness is saved solely for herself

And eventually, to be shared with someone else

I am the butterfly that came to life

After your bee sting

 

Your mutated neurons continue to fire

But I am sober

Next time you see me, I’ll still have love for you

But at a distance

 

I gaze out windows and let myself be

I stare at the mirror and see better days

Realizing I never needed to be given flowers

Because I can grow my own

Sadness

Using storm clouds as an umbrella

And they change colors like a mood ring

Haven’t been in love yet

Just loved and sometimes lonely

Been the poison and the victim

At war with thoughts that succeeded

At making me feel worthless

Spending a large part of my life

Believing lies

Even those told by my own brain

My bedroom is my ballroom

Where I try to get lost in music

Or words on paper

Instead of the shadows of myself

Falling out of the sky

With only my corpse to catch me

 

I’m told I’m loved

Even when I know I can be too much

I’m told I’m never too much

Even when I feel like I’m never enough

I’m told I’m more than enough

I don’t fully believe it

But I almost do

 

What’s real and what’s fabricated?

The love that exists all around me

That always has and always will

The beauty of my heart, mind, soul, and smile

That shines through, despite the breakage

All of that is irrevocably real

And the fabrication that causes I and millions of others to suffer

Is real and powerful as well

But it can be defeated throughout life’s moments

Because healing is not linear

 

Nowadays, if I can’t find a safe place,

I build one

I’ve never felt more like myself

Because this is me

I think I’ve finally struck a balance

Between loving and helping others

And myself

I cry when I’m hurting and when I’m not

And that’s okay

Because I’m taking care of myself,

Staying out of harm’s way

Clean isn’t easy

You can’t sugarcoat it

But my truth is that I’m grateful to still be alive

And writing this poem made me cry