Infinity and Beyond On High

I never want to change who I am

Everyone else does it for me

Depending on the point-of-view, I’m strong or broken

Joke’s on you because I’m both

And everything in between

 

I’m emotionally overbearing

With an unlimited supply of empathy

I’m guilty of victimizing myself out of fear

Along with falling for other people’s games out of love

I live in an almost constant state of insecurity

I said almost

 

I worry about being unloveable

At the same time, I know for a fact

That I’m so deserving

 

It can take me years to speak up

But when I do, I say it all

Opening the floodgates

I don’t understand the difference

Between love and infatuation

Between true and fake friends

Between genuine family members and selfish manipulators

Until I’ve gotten hurt or taken advantage of

Learned the same lesson again and again

 

I’m amazing in many ways

Beautiful inside and out

I’m a gift to know

And capable of impactful things

I bring light to the darkness

No matter how I’m feeling

I’m a heart-to-heart listener

A potential bestseller

Sweet and smart

Still alive

 

Demons throughout the course of my life,

Online, and in my mind

Told me I’m never good enough

For a multitude of reasons

I beg your fucking pardon

I am a delight

I Could Be a Cherry Bomb, But I’ll Never Be Yours

I can tell by the way you look at me

And how you talk to me

That you see potential in me

But when you repeatedly ignore me

Or brush me off for somebody else

It shows that you don’t really care

 

I am everything you want and more

You never wanted me

So, why should I care?

My heart is my home

You have no place here

 

You treat me like I’m second best

I know I am the best

The best you never had

Your hands are red

Broke my heart over and over

Like it was nothing

I’m the type who is willing to give everything

You’re not getting anything

I wish I walked away and stayed away

You’re lucky that I was too nice back in the day

 

It all makes perfect sense now

You’re addicted to using others

For the love that you can’t give yourself

And I was desperate and naive enough

To volunteer as tribute

 

You convinced yourself that you were my savior

I once worshipped you as such

But I’m not your angel

I’ll fall with or without you

Reminding myself that I’ve always been stronger than you

What the Inside of a Broken Heart Looks Like

Do I still remember

Who the real me is?

Has there ever been a time

When I didn’t feel like

There’s something missing?

Body, mind, soul, and heart all connected

By a broken thread

 

All I know is that I don’t know

I either feel too much or nothing at all

And suddenly, I can’t breathe

 

Cold coffee from being left out and forgotten about

Leftover tear stains on the pillowcase

Visits to every type of doctor’s office more nerve wracking than before

I just want to be okay

Is that too much to ask?

 

Unable to admit when I need someone

Until I’m alone

I want to know what love is

So I can show myself that it exists

 

Arrow

My heart’s a little masochistic

Call me onion because I cry a lot

And have layers

Middle finger through the heart my hands make

Like an arrow

I dream about faces that came and went

And self-deprecate

To learn how to appreciate

 

I don’t know why I am the way that I am (I do)

I need validation from others to survive (I don’t)

I’m weak when I’m strong

And strong when I’m weak

I can and cannot help it

Let the bridges burn because I’ll still survive

 

I crave to be perceived

And to disappear without a trace

My mind’s a bit of a beautiful disaster

Every situation I end up in

Leaves a bittersweet aftertaste

I’ve got a death grip on atmosphere

Out of the Blue

You know what?

You’re a real piece of work

No longer my favorite song

Your ego is louder

Than your comforting words

 

You swore to always tell the truth

That turned out to be a lie

Turned me on and off until my electricity went out

I ate out of the palm of your hand

The result was malnourishment

We weren’t as mature as we thought

 

You are a rainbow

But in the end, I got a pot of coal

Instead of gold

A hurtful parody

Of the saint I romanticized you to be

 

My heart is back where it started

Broken, but still beating

I was so sure that you were yellow like me

But you were blue

I made it out alive

 

As Below, So Above

I’m going to play with words

Because they are all that’s left

They are always all that’s left

The rabbit followed me to the hole in the sky

 

This is all I know

All I’ve ever known

Skipping stones across thin ice

Melting bonfires down to candles

Laughing at sob stories

Crying even when I’m happy

 

Repeating procedures

Even when there’s proof that they don’t work

Telling me to let go makes me want to hold on

Table for two

Reverse psychology for one

Counting down for no reason

 

It’s been years

Haven’t aged a day

Die a little bit every week

The end of the beginning

 

Wrong in the head

Right in the heart

Take me to a giver

Make believe that reality sets in

Wait, can we start over?

Even With Your Imperfections, You Can Do Anything

Even when you walk alone,

You walk with your head held high

Even when you are patronized,

Your smile stretches a mile wide

 

When you don’t have a clue what you’re doing,

You keep going

When you finally figure it out,

It can still change

 

Surrounded by chaos

And you remain true to yourself

Yelled at, deceived, hurt

And you continue to heal

Breath stolen by black holes

You take it back every time

 

When made to feel small,

You grow

When you find yourself lost,

You follow the star in your heart

They tried to hold you back

They can’t reach you anymore

 

Skin wasn’t glowing yet

Your soul always did

Walls weren’t strong enough

But you were and continue to be

Your heart breaks easily

But it wasn’t true love in the first place

Avalanche of expectations from onlookers

You created your own happiness

 

Everything has gotten worse and harder

Everything has also started looking up and getting better

Intrusive thoughts are violent

Your mindset encourages you to be a pacifist

In the war within your head

If someone appears to have more,

That does not make you worth any less

 

Note to self

Look at how far you’ve come

Look at how close you are

To the next chapter

With every scar and flaw,

You are writing it