I Burn, I Pine, I Perish

I’m able to write love poems

Regardless of whether or not

I am in love

But if you were in love with me,

That would be an entirely different story

 

Like, love- kind of sort of

The same difference

I tend to force happiness

Until it’s impossible to feel it

Around them anymore

You raised me up

To be able to drop me

From high enough

Outside, I keep quiet

Inside, I’m crying and screaming

My heart can’t believe it

I fell back into the same old patterns

You could’ve had me

Now, you never will

At first, I didn’t get it

Now, I’ll be making sure of it

 

I can get too into my head

So, maybe I appear to be

Not into you

Maybe you were once into me

But changed your mind

Because you weren’t ready

And/or preferred somebody

More toxic

Or you were never even into me

And I created a narrative

To trick myself

Into loving myself

Because maybe, someone finally

Loved me back

 

I want to be wanted

I need to feel needed

Holding back from messaging first

Because “first” can equal “one”

And “one” can lead to “one-sided”

Someday, I’ll have a better experience

An experience that lasts a lifetime

The Demons Lost Along the Way

Blankets tangled and half-removed

In an arctic room

Nothing new and nothing to hide

 

Sometimes I feel like Cinderella

But I never lost a shoe

Just trapped in the same situation

For years and years

 

Full of emptiness

Adoring my own company

Even when it hurts

 

If I took all of my secrets to the grave,

I wouldn’t have lived an honest life

I’m a work in progress

When it comes to mystery and misery,

That’s all there is to it

I won’t keep lying to myself

I refuse

I’m not exactly sure what I want and need right now

But I swear I know

It’s just buried deep down

 

Resilience is vital for disrupted routines

My therapist would agree

What the Inside of a Broken Heart Looks Like

Do I still remember

Who the real me is?

Has there ever been a time

When I didn’t feel like

There’s something missing?

Body, mind, soul, and heart all connected

By a broken thread

 

All I know is that I don’t know

I either feel too much or nothing at all

And suddenly, I can’t breathe

 

Cold coffee from being left out and forgotten about

Leftover tear stains on the pillowcase

Visits to every type of doctor’s office more nerve wracking than before

I just want to be okay

Is that too much to ask?

 

Unable to admit when I need someone

Until I’m alone

I want to know what love is

So I can show myself that it exists

 

State of Martyrdom

We’ve taken a break from outside communication

To form a deeper understanding of each other

Creating connections for the long run

I’m sleeping awake

While you’re dreaming in front of me

The upside is going down

Insides are spilling out

 

The numbness wears off

When my feelings hone in on you

The air I’m breathing is fresher than before

Yet, the butterflies refuse to migrate

I never said that you’re my only source of happiness

I never said that anything is guaranteed

No one and nothing are in our way anymore

Life has become more “with” than “without”

I can’t change your mind for you

 

Crying about difficulties is much easier

When you know for a fact

That you’re not the only one

Drop the act for just a moment

For the uncensored truth

I seem to find you every time you’re jaded

Look, we match!

Same thing happens when we’re better

 

We’d love to be in love

Circumstance pulls us apart

And slams us back together

Hearts underground like tectonic plates

Surrender to fate

Revolve Around the Red Rose

Stuck on you

Like my favorite season

Ongoing episode

Lovely weather

Muse of the century

Longing for forever

 

I want to share my mind with you

You’re the home my thoughts consistently return to

I open my eyes and you’re not here

I really wish you were

I open my heart and you consistently appear

Life has taken a lot out of me

Luckily, I never gave up on healing

Let me be there for you

I never left and I don’t plan to

We’re spinning around in the cycle of the lonely waltz

 

Praying to wake up or come back down

To your reply

Trying not to be obsessive

But deep down, I know it’s a factor

Save and drain me

I feel like it feels good

 

Finally falling

Free falling

Without tripping

Dumb love

True love

Who even knows anymore?

Never Lonely

I can’t forgive or forget you

I have no reason to do either

But I don’t need or want you

You always find somebody new

 

I tried harder

Nothing was enough

My heart is just numb to you now

Good thing I replaced you

With health, happiness, and somebody new

 

You and her are in everybody’s face

Not my problem though

I really thought that you grew

Not my fault that you’re still codependent

You don’t know how to give your heart a rest

 

I feel pretty great

I may be alone

But you will always be the lonely one

Because you don’t stay alone for long

Mind Love

Can there be an in between

Living in the moment

And getting too caught up in it?

Hard to tell if I’m clawing at

The finish line or an escape

I want to believe that I’ll be okay

Because I need to

Because I will

In the past, I’ve been too nice

I still am nice, but not to add to the debt

The ultimate call out post:

Stop treating loyalty like a paradox!

 

 

My decisions are of my design

I’m the only one who can truly control my life

If I go with the flow,

It’s to stay afloat

So, let me

You see clean

I see explicit

 

 

Mind more than body fucking

My skin may always be cold

But my heart and passion certainly are not

I miss you when you’re gone

I miss you when you’re here

I make you feel like you have it all

This is both my strength and downfall

Official without the label

I keep everyone guessing

While being obvious

Teardrops and smiles are lucid

 

 

Happy pills or choices

Imagination or destiny

Dream or dream

Dream in order to dream

Even if it kills us,

It won’t

Artificial Sunrise

Other halves aren’t a necessity

I can be whole on my own

It does get lonely out here on my own

I value the times when I am alone

That doesn’t mean I’m better off that way

Sad, sick, and tired

Of wishing for happiness

Love isn’t a simple once upon a time

With a smooth transition to happily ever after

 

Just stay away from me

Unless you have pure intentions

Reasons, excuses, casanova foolishness

I don’t need any of it

I’ve been through enough

I’ve been hurt enough

I need to keep reminding myself

That my butterflies for you aren’t all dead

But you’re not perfect

You’re wrong for me

 

Turn me to dust

Maybe my heart can’t be ripped out

If I keep it close to me

Turn me to stone

Harden my emotions

Still soft-hearted

 

Jaded

Frustrated

Who’s more damaged

Me or my type?

I resign from playing waiting games

There’s only so many times

A heart can break

There’s only so much

That I can take

Take your antics and battlefields

To a woman who doesn’t care

 

I’ll never stop trying

But the little girl who fell at feet

Is long gone

She moved on

She can still fall in love

If you love the self

That she learned to love

Unapologetic and Vulnerable

You came to play games

I came to break the cycle

I’m done with allowing myself

To be weighed down

By chains and pedestals

You can burn me at the stake

But my salt will haunt your snow

 

Solar eclipses mean nothing to me

Only the moon understands me

I talk to shadows

But I’m still breathing

Sometimes, I know love

If I’ve already won,

What do I have to lose?

 

My time is not for sale

My adoration is a privilege

Not a right

You’re shocked that a young face

Is so alone

I know exactly what I want and need

It’s not you

 

I am fully capable

Of giving myself away

But not to just anyone

If you’re going to leave,

Then stay gone

I’m not always strong

My love bleeds through my scars

Like catching teardrops in my hands

I’m not sorry

Kiss my half-broken heart

True Love’s Mirror

Mirror mirror on the wall

How many times will my heart have to break

How deep down this hole

Will I have to fall

To find love

That I won’t lose?

 

I know that my reflection

Will always be my soulmate

I can absorb consoling words

Touch myself in the dark

Find glowing heartbeats

In everyone and everything around me

It would just be a nice change

To turn a lone lullaby’s melody

Into a natural, constant harmony

 

In a parallel universe,

I would stop every rumor

Before it starts

I wouldn’t have to search for a candle

And then try so hard

…Too hard

To keep the flame burning

When a new gust of wind comes along

To blow it out

 

In another dimension,

I’ve had at least one of the firsts

I’m not a lonely red rose

In a field of pink

I never feel inferior

If a friend experiences more love

In their life

More loves of their life

Than I do

 

In another life,

My heart isn’t misled

Or taken for granted

It is loved

It is appreciated

Just the way it is

An unbreakable matrix

 

In another world,

I’m not simply seen as sex appeal on legs

I can offer radiance

I can be a source of strength

A wall of color

Among the Northern Lights

But I still need love

When gravity steals the best of me

 

For now, I’ll try to be content

Kissing the stars

Being attracted to my imagination

Seeking comfort from the fiery depths

Of my soul

 

I don’t know if this is a mirage

I’ve been clinging to so close, yet so far away

But you’re making your way towards me

And you look like you’re preparing

To never leave

That’s all my heart wants