On the Inside, Looking Out

Dancing around my room

To do a deep clean of my soul

Making myself laugh in the bathroom mirror

When it feels like I could cry

Flopping onto my bed, chairs, and the floor

When you’re tired of many things,

You settle for comfortable

 

Familiar surroundings

Associated with familiar feelings

What’s the weather like there?

It’s like me

 

Tell me that time is of the essence

I’ll tell you that time doesn’t exist

Savor it; don’t rush it

Why are we in such a hurry to die?

The truth is juicy shock value

Stages of life claim to be the expectation

Where’s the originality?

Industries came marching in

Disguised as saints

To crush dreams of morning glories

 

Idolizing influencers who are often under the influence

Awards on award shows seem like participation trophies

I could live without my phone

But could you live without judging others?

I doubt that I’m alone in this

Sometimes, I impulsively isolate

It’s nothing personal, but if the shoe fits…

 

I’m inside out of my mind

Always cold, so I parade around

In a bathrobe like it’s a wedding dress

Your normal is my discomfort zone

Love the lonely

Infinity and Beyond On High

I never want to change who I am

Everyone else does it for me

Depending on the point-of-view, I’m strong or broken

Joke’s on you because I’m both

And everything in between

 

I’m emotionally overbearing

With an unlimited supply of empathy

I’m guilty of victimizing myself out of fear

Along with falling for other people’s games out of love

I live in an almost constant state of insecurity

I said almost

 

I worry about being unloveable

At the same time, I know for a fact

That I’m so deserving

 

It can take me years to speak up

But when I do, I say it all

Opening the floodgates

I don’t understand the difference

Between love and infatuation

Between true and fake friends

Between genuine family members and selfish manipulators

Until I’ve gotten hurt or taken advantage of

Learned the same lesson again and again

 

I’m amazing in many ways

Beautiful inside and out

I’m a gift to know

And capable of impactful things

I bring light to the darkness

No matter how I’m feeling

I’m a heart-to-heart listener

A potential bestseller

Sweet and smart

Still alive

 

Demons throughout the course of my life,

Online, and in my mind

Told me I’m never good enough

For a multitude of reasons

I beg your fucking pardon

I am a delight

What the Inside of a Broken Heart Looks Like

Do I still remember

Who the real me is?

Has there ever been a time

When I didn’t feel like

There’s something missing?

Body, mind, soul, and heart all connected

By a broken thread

 

All I know is that I don’t know

I either feel too much or nothing at all

And suddenly, I can’t breathe

 

Cold coffee from being left out and forgotten about

Leftover tear stains on the pillowcase

Visits to every type of doctor’s office more nerve wracking than before

I just want to be okay

Is that too much to ask?

 

Unable to admit when I need someone

Until I’m alone

I want to know what love is

So I can show myself that it exists

 

Arrow

My heart’s a little masochistic

Call me onion because I cry a lot

And have layers

Middle finger through the heart my hands make

Like an arrow

I dream about faces that came and went

And self-deprecate

To learn how to appreciate

 

I don’t know why I am the way that I am (I do)

I need validation from others to survive (I don’t)

I’m weak when I’m strong

And strong when I’m weak

I can and cannot help it

Let the bridges burn because I’ll still survive

 

I crave to be perceived

And to disappear without a trace

My mind’s a bit of a beautiful disaster

Every situation I end up in

Leaves a bittersweet aftertaste

I’ve got a death grip on atmosphere

As Below, So Above

I’m going to play with words

Because they are all that’s left

They are always all that’s left

The rabbit followed me to the hole in the sky

 

This is all I know

All I’ve ever known

Skipping stones across thin ice

Melting bonfires down to candles

Laughing at sob stories

Crying even when I’m happy

 

Repeating procedures

Even when there’s proof that they don’t work

Telling me to let go makes me want to hold on

Table for two

Reverse psychology for one

Counting down for no reason

 

It’s been years

Haven’t aged a day

Die a little bit every week

The end of the beginning

 

Wrong in the head

Right in the heart

Take me to a giver

Make believe that reality sets in

Wait, can we start over?

They Say If You Dream a Thing More Than Once, It’s Sure to Come True

Fabricated nonfiction- yikes

Fiction based on reality- yikes, but meaningful

Pay attention

Everybody’s got a story to tell

 

My vision may not be 20/20

But I’m not blind to what goes on around me

If you could feel

Everything that I feel

On any given day or night,

Would you want to live or die?

 

Running in imperfect circles

Words in the form of jagged lines

Sometimes, I start writing something

Just to see what happens

Provoking a concept

Provoking myself

Provoking my will to live

Several pages later

Better late than never

 

The more exhausted I get with life,

The less frequently I wear a bra

And what about it?

My golden body, my golden rules

 

Making a mental getaway

Do not disturb

You’ll remember my name

Why wait until my funeral to read this?

On a “I don’t care what you think of me” wave

Depending on the context of the situation of course

Living in an age

Where clowns lead parades

 

But enough about me

How are you?

Are you making the time and space

To be both selfless and selfish too?

 

Even With Your Imperfections, You Can Do Anything

Even when you walk alone,

You walk with your head held high

Even when you are patronized,

Your smile stretches a mile wide

 

When you don’t have a clue what you’re doing,

You keep going

When you finally figure it out,

It can still change

 

Surrounded by chaos

And you remain true to yourself

Yelled at, deceived, hurt

And you continue to heal

Breath stolen by black holes

You take it back every time

 

When made to feel small,

You grow

When you find yourself lost,

You follow the star in your heart

They tried to hold you back

They can’t reach you anymore

 

Skin wasn’t glowing yet

Your soul always did

Walls weren’t strong enough

But you were and continue to be

Your heart breaks easily

But it wasn’t true love in the first place

Avalanche of expectations from onlookers

You created your own happiness

 

Everything has gotten worse and harder

Everything has also started looking up and getting better

Intrusive thoughts are violent

Your mindset encourages you to be a pacifist

In the war within your head

If someone appears to have more,

That does not make you worth any less

 

Note to self

Look at how far you’ve come

Look at how close you are

To the next chapter

With every scar and flaw,

You are writing it