Autopsy

I returned from a war that never ends

Fighting a losing battle that I sometimes win

I want to be known, but invisible

Don’t say my name, but also do

My heart screams to the heavens

From the underworld

Raised to appreciate the spotlight and attention

But I need time to withdraw to survive

 

Confidence is my question that has no answer

“Just do this, just do that”

”Just be this, just be that”

”Just say this, just say that”

Listen, you can’t just throw me into open season

I am bold on my own terms

 

Shy to sassy like flicking a light switch

Writing mental prescriptions for adrenaline and sedatives

Naked in the sky with diamonds

Then, running to hide behind the next lunar eclipse

I’m not ready until I say so

But as soon as I am, you’ve got a big storm coming

 

An affinity for morbid humor and a habit of biting my tongue

A vice of a desire to hurt and a longing to heal

I’d rather cry every day than feel numb

I’m not afraid to be open anymore

Not completely unafraid though

But I’ll make it work

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Crescents

I am not a slice of bread

To be passed around among you and your friends

I am never angry for no reason

Training to be my sword and shield

My words won’t let up

Whether I say them, write them, or just think them

My own feelings clash with each other

But I’m now fully aware that they exist

Everyone wants a piece of me

But I can’t be bought

Nor am I a free sample

Where were they when I dropped to my lowest?

Oh wait, they contributed to it

 

They look shiny and new

But I know that they’re crumbling like disgraced monuments

 

I didn’t notice until now

That I’ve always had to hold my own hand

Wishing on the crescent moons

 

Some say that I’ve changed

Some say that I haven’t changed a bit

I say that I did both

After all, I want it all

I will get under your skin

By not allowing you to get under mine

I will keep what’s mine

And stop letting you take without explicit permission

 

I didn’t notice until now

That I’ve always had to hold my own hand

Wishing on the crescent moons

Go on

Keep on showing the world who you really are

 

Just because my natural state is shy and quiet

Doesn’t mean that you have the right

To put your words in my mouth

Just because I know how to mind my business

Doesn’t mean I don’t know how to call you out

When you deserve it

 

Just stop

I won’t let anyone else write

The story of my life

I control my narrative

I’m so powerful now

I hold my own hand

With love

Hollow

I always fall until I float

In and out of love

With others

With myself

In and out of happiness

Sadness

Anger

Until my glass is empty

Waiting to be filled again

 

Why am I always waiting for something?

I need to be actively questioning

Actively seeking

That’s what makes the waiting worth it

Always unraveling my double helix

That holds all of my thoughts and experiences

Weaving in and out of clones

To locate the original copy

The real inner me

 

The simple shadows I project on the outside

Continually mature over time

They’re beginning to match the colorful chaos

That runs rampant on the inside

Dancing all night

Singing swan songs

Making love until dawn

 

I live in a nomadic broken shell

Might as well make the best of it

Asylum

If only I knew how to be

Your definition of normal

But I would rather choose

Don’t want to be

One of your robotic people

In life today,

It is all about perfection

Perfect body

Perfect face

Perfect hair

Perfect everything

No one can be that way

And that is perfectly okay

 

Oh officer

Please take me away

I have committed a crime

I have no interest in drowning

In the fake lake

 

Call me crazy

I don’t care

Call me a loser

Bitch

Freak

Geek

I don’t care

Call me every damn name in the book

We should not be judged

Based only on looks

You won’t see me crying

But I’ll see you in the plastic asylum

 

I have these devils in my head

Trying to pull me under

Your criticizing thunder

Then, I have kind voices with capes

Who refuse to see me break

 

Go on, get a needle

Knock me out

I will always know

What I’m really about

 

It is the willpower

To be yourself

That makes you stand out

From everyone else