Loud

This is war and I don’t want it

I fight it

Hard to go to bed

Hard to get out of bed

 

Criticized

For every breath I take

Every move I make

Someone is always watching

Sometimes, I would like to be left alone

Even if I’m not busy

 

Voices in my head

In my ear

On my screen

Leave

Get out

Let me be

 

The city lights are pretty

Until they’re too bright

Then you get frightened

By shadows in corners

Crawling up the walls

Waiting for you to fall

So you can be returned to your pedestal

Where you know you don’t belong

On the Inside, Looking Out

Dancing around my room

To do a deep clean of my soul

Making myself laugh in the bathroom mirror

When it feels like I could cry

Flopping onto my bed, chairs, and the floor

When you’re tired of many things,

You settle for comfortable

 

Familiar surroundings

Associated with familiar feelings

What’s the weather like there?

It’s like me

 

Tell me that time is of the essence

I’ll tell you that time doesn’t exist

Savor it; don’t rush it

Why are we in such a hurry to die?

The truth is juicy shock value

Stages of life claim to be the expectation

Where’s the originality?

Industries came marching in

Disguised as saints

To crush dreams of morning glories

 

Idolizing influencers who are often under the influence

Awards on award shows seem like participation trophies

I could live without my phone

But could you live without judging others?

I doubt that I’m alone in this

Sometimes, I impulsively isolate

It’s nothing personal, but if the shoe fits…

 

I’m inside out of my mind

Always cold, so I parade around

In a bathrobe like it’s a wedding dress

Your normal is my discomfort zone

Love the lonely

Loss of Power

Cut the power cord

Pucker up for the limelight

I’m smiling in my mind

Unfair system override

 

I’m all out of heartbeats

But I don’t want a transplant

I’m all out of fucks to give

But there are certain things I care a lot about

I can leave the wounds alone

But I can’t forget that they are there

Sleep the days away

Dream the nights away

 

Everyone’s demands take a backseat

To my worth

I need to be stable

Cremate me in my own tears

 

Complex ruler

I don’t self-medicate

I medicate the self

Hooked on satisfaction

Even when it makes me feverish

My life is an indie movie

And I’m a method actress

 

Fading into falling apart

A sinner until that daylight hits

It’s never over

Power comes from loss

I’m ready to go, but I don’t want to get up

Reaching my high

In my lost mind

Wishful Dreaming

The concept of self-love is irresistible

But the road to get there is long

Often unpaved

Often neverending

 

I can be brave

But inevitably, I’m afraid

What do you do

When plans fall through?

When reality threatens

To bulldoze a forest of dreams

To build a parking lot?

When you’re both a trailblazer

And a tumbleweed

 

As soon as I heal

As soon as I feel happy

Life becomes a piece of hell

My personal demons crawl out to play

The past comes back to haunt me

I don’t want to participate

But revolution calls

And sacrifices are made

I am alive, but I am stumbling

 

I’ve waited for freedom

So, how can I deny it

Even though it comes with consequences

In fact, there are pros and cons

To everyone and everything

I feel like I’m jaywalking

Through life

 

The past is haunting

But history can be very relevant

The present is a blur

I’m falling, holding on, and letting go

It can be hard to distinguish between those states

The future is overwhelming

Endless possibilities, so what’s the truth?

Will I ever be enough?

Will I ever escape my rose-colored ideations?

 

I show love by making myself available

Until I’m drained

They prefer the opposite

Or just couldn’t see the worth in me

I say I move on

I say they don’t know what they’re missing

But how many times will I let a man

Make my inner light fade?

My heart is tired

Whether or not that was their intention,

It scars me

I should really stop chasing

Unless something is completely good for me

I should really stop giving my all

To those who will only ever give half

Or less

 

At least I always try my best

At least I’m always improving

At least I’ve never given up

On dreaming

On feeling

On living

Pedestal

You want me to grow

So you make me feel small

You want me to heal

So you reopen old wounds

You want the best for me

So you throw your worst at me

You want me to be happy

So you take my happiness away

I’m your pageant girl!

Oh my god

I’m worthy?

What an honor

Me being free

To express my own emotions

Oh the horror!

I make you so proud

You manipulate others

Into thinking everything’s perfect

That way, they’ll never see

How you manipulate me

What a pretty face I have

What a smart brain I have

What a hard worker I am

What a talent for writing I have

You brag about me in public

And drown me in private

Step on my oversensitive little soul

To inflate your ego

Like a parade float balloon

I’m your prized possession

Your fragile sacrifice

I bet that you believe in the saying

”Blood is thicker than water”

So, how would you react

If you ever discovered

That your baby’s tears

Grew up to be blood

That gushes like a river

Because we are all only human

And walls crumble

And when dams break

Skin is only as tough as porcelain

I’m your favorite decoration

Your brokenhearted doll

Forever questioning myself

Questioning my worth

Because you put me

On a pedestal

Just to bring me down

For the sake of

Raising yourself up

Submissive

It’s like I can’t breathe

Pressure is suffocating me

It’s like I can’t feel

Anything but the pain

You inflict on me

 

Why did I ever let you

Have all the power

I didn’t know that the love could

So easily turn sour

 

I feel numb

Every thought turns to you

I’ve fallen

And I want to get up

Just need to see myself through

I’m addicted to you

I can’t think

I can’t speak

Don’t need you interrupting me

You’re all I see

I need my dreams

You can’t make me

Keep going with it

I refuse to be

Your submissive

 

It’s like I can’t face

All these demons chasing me down

At the same time, I feel like I can

Rise above your crown

It’s like you’re a ghost

Forever haunting me

Just want to feel whole

Fuck off

Leave me alone

 

Still don’t know why I let you

Have all the power

Guess I was too naive to see

That there could be poison in a flower

 

I’m not just a doll

I’m not just your toy

It hurts when I fall

My heart’s not for you to destroy

 

It’s my life

Not for you to decide

There’s a golden light in my sight

And it’s no longer in your eyes

 

I was helpless

And hurting

And breaking

And burning

Now I’m looking

In the mirror

And seeing everything

Clearer

I’m not yours

To toss into the shadows

Anymore!

Night Owl

The air is too cold

To be overthinking

The glass is too full

Guess I’ll just keep sinking

Sometimes,

This life is way too overwhelming

No time for sleeping

But plenty for dreaming

 

Please stop dragging me down

I’m forced to stay up

Let my mind wander around

I’m just a nocturnal clown

With a smile that drowns in my tears

I’m just another night owl

Help me out of this hole

 

I fell off the edge

Right into the deep end

Time to go hide

Beneath this temporary black blanket

I’m hurting inside

Too dark for truth to be seen

I’m not Red Riding Hood

But I think the wolves

Have caught up with me

 

Do you ever

Try to relax

Then just end up

Haunted by your past

 

Have you ever

Just wanted to breathe

Then been thrown into a harsh world

That you refuse to believe

 

I will always

Let my hair fall in my face

As a shield against

Every demon’s hate

 

It’s the devil’s hour

And I’m being drained of my power