You say sorry. I smile. But, I still get a tingling feeling in my stomach every time I remember. It’s not the good kind of tingling either. Jolts of electricity are lighting up a black hole, throwing off my universe’s pendulum. Trying to forget the pain caused by someone who makes the same mistakes over and over, who hurts you over and over is like staring out the window while in a moving car. It’s easy to zone out and ignore everything for a while. Suddenly, the brakes are slammed and the calm car is forcefully brought to a lurching stop. You poked a hole in my heart again. You stabbed your knife and twisted it into my back. You punctured the lungs of my self-esteem again. I fall apart. You apologize and hastily attempt to put me back together before someone notices. I forgive you and move on with my life, another stone branded on my mind. The cycle repeats. How can I leave something behind that keeps getting in my way? How can I breathe when you keep jumping down my throat? How can I learn to love myself when you interrupt my positive train of thought and expect me to love you more instead, even though you’re the one who made me this way?
As I get older, I find myself always trying to improve. Working to develop my interests like a tree branching out and touching the sky with its height. I feel like I discover or rediscover a piece of myself every day, through music, my writing, thoughts, emotions, and experiences. But that’s the point of life, isn’t it? Finding yourself, piece by piece. Nostalgia occasionally hits me like a trainwreck. Journaling keeps me inspired. Writing helps me breathe because I tend to let so much of me get cluttered and piled up inside. The more I look at the people, objects, and environments around me, the more aware and alive I feel. But sometimes, my existence feels dead. I’ve managed to become stronger, even in my moments of weakness. So no matter what happens, I will always be okay in the end. I have a purpose, dreams, and I intend to fulfill them all.
Not only can I see a life with you, but an entire universe with you. You may be ordinary, but to me and so many others, you are extraordinary. I can always pick up on little things about you that let your pure soul shine through. You have a jet black heart and halos in your eyes. Broken wings with a golden smile. Cracks in your voice and music all over your skin. Crumbs of innocence dotted throughout your taste of bittersweet reality. Your body is overflowing because it is full of beautiful words. There is poetry in your humanity.
There are times when the darkest parts can shed the most light.
I write to make beautiful lessons out of my sometimes ugly past. I want to fly, but I’m scared to fall. Ironically, I’m brave enough to fall in love, even when that leaves me falling into an abyss. I want to weave strengths out of my weaknesses. Build a sturdy bridge and release buckets of glitter from above. Climb the ladder with eyes that glow with determination and curiosity. They say that curiosity kills the cat. No matter. I’ll break the mirrors. Smile at the naysayers. I’ll be a fuck-up that grows up. Cover the bad memories with a quilt of poetry.