I’m Not Okay (Part 2)

Sometimes, I’m happy

But other times, it’s only a facade

To hide the fact

That my life is

Falling apart around me

 

I can’t seem to sleep

Until it’s physically impossible

To stay awake

I keep my scars to myself

I don’t want to burden anyone else

So, the scars keep spreading

Ripping through my mind

Irritating my skin

Weakening my body

Like a virus

 

I fear failure

Yet, I fail to avoid it

What happened to me?

As a child, I was so on top of everything

Now, I often feel like a disappointment

With lowered expectations

And stress sea levels rising

 

I know that these storm clouds aren’t normal

This lifeless-eyed puppet isn’t the real me

But how do I heal

When I’m always getting tangled in my strings

Pulled in every direction

Learning how to fly

Only to prefer drowning

In love with a dangerous comfort zone

 

Trapped in a vicious cycle

Of self-love and hate

You take no notice

Even though it’s clear as day

I’m not okay

You only told me to blame myself

Keep my head up

To stop being stupid

And you love me no matter what

You’re worried

But you’re not paying attention to the warning signs

About to spill from my eyes

I’m not good enough

I’m worth so much

What the fuck?

 

I wonder why I don’t seek outside guidance

When it matters the most

I wonder how I’m able to fill myself with positivity

Then be brought down so much

By crushed hope

I wonder how I can live free

When I’m struggling to survive

I wonder how I can become confident and motivated

Like everyone else

When I have the potential

Yet, remain in a dizzy, broken stupor instead

 

I know I’m not the only one

But it’s hard to not feel so alone

When half of my own soul

Is scared to call me home

I’m Not Okay

Engraved with demands and reminders

Weighed down by my own daydreams

Until everything feels like a nightmare

 

Pieces of my strength scattered

Like crumbs on floor tiles

Like atoms throughout the universe

 

Watched like a hawk

By bad habits

Demons get angry when cast aside

 

Time is a social construct

But an extremely vivid hallucination

All senses exhausted until expired

 

What’s better?

Decent, fine, or enough?

I just want to be myself

Although, it seems I’ve lost me

I have to find me

Wherever, whoever, however I may be

 

I told you that I’m trying

I told you that I’m stumbling

Throw away the calculations

Life is meant for living

Stop criticizing and assuming

Start listening

 

Crying like nothing else matters

Wishing for life after death

The simple path to relief clouded by existential dread

 

Shields and swords clashing

On both halves of my dreary Eden landscape

Bravely fearful

 

Hypnotized by the unknown

Longing for the unknown

Sleeping awake in an almost realistic dream

 

Darting between a maze of lies

Just to realize the truth

Switching between putting you before me

And me before you

 

What’s better?

Average, perfect, or falsely perfect?

The answer is that none of it matters

Hear my heartbeat

Read my words to understand my thoughts

It will be okay because the pain is real

And I am still here

Vibrant Vibes

Oxygen explosions

Sweep me off my feet

Thorny closure serves to teach me

That I was born to make myself happy

First and foremost

 

Diamond raindrops

Caress my face

The space between the wars

Of the  mind and heart

The most authentic form of intimacy

 

Jumbled numbers

Throw me off track

You’re either with me or against me

A guardian angel, a lover, or a flower

Making my garden less lonely

However, I refuse to surrender to pollution

Parasite, don’t kill my vibe

 

Glittering butterflies

Melt my walls of ice

Reminders that I have so much to live for

So much to give

Pain is temporary because inner strength can heal

Time and time again

 

Sweet illusions

Served on the buffet of distractions

Lost myself in the wrong moments

Wounds left open

But no more

There is so much more to me

Than a reality of fantasies

 

Bloodstream lipsticks

Wake up my high tide

Kiss me

Breathe on me

Let’s become one

 

Wildfire skies

Comfort and revive my frozen soul

Hurl the pieces of my shed skin vase

At the fourth wall

Help me completely grow

It’s not enough to feel whole

Because that leaves room for leaks and holes

 

Yellow lights

Encourage confidence in my abilities

Because it waxes and wanes with the moon

And often, I slip off of life’s guiding candle

Like melting wax

Suddenly, stuck in a ditch

Waiting for a sunny day

That isn’t a hologram

 

Spring green

Awaken my dreams

Break my cocoon

Lift my shell

So that I can migrate to paradise

With the birds and angels

 

Blue glow

An all-encompassing, drowning sadness

Tears and breakdowns brimming

Return to my eyes

Others living their wonderland lives

While my happiness is dimming

 

Indigo spirit

Show me the path that leads to home

Because I now realize

That there is a limit

On how much I can handle alone

I can be independent

But I’m not divine

 

Violet imagination

Add power to my weakness

”Only human” doesn’t have to equal

Not destined for greatness

No need to slowly fade like wilting petals

Be ultra

Embrace the universe

 

Pink heartbeats

Give me the strength

To live, to breathe, to believe

To provide my buried anonymous thoughts

With names

Allow me to love and be loved

Like never before

Without hesitation, second choices, or second guessing

 

Desperate coffee

Nowadays, you seem to stop working

When I need to start

”Authority” tells us to drain excess water

”Drain the swamp”

But we’re losing valuable nutrients in the process

Some of us educate and resist

Some of us paint on a smile and decide not to give a shit

Underneath, we’re all exhausted

 

Black stripes

When we descend into darkness,

Support the warrior within each of us

So that we can better support each other

In a starry future

 

Gray stories

Show yourself

Tell your secrets

The truth is needed

Even if it hurts

History is always watching

Let’s make the time

To make the right decisions

Out with the old

In with the new

Out with the dull

In with the vibrant

Why

I’ve been thinking

Dreaming

Wishing

That we could start over

You left me

So suddenly

I’m trying to figure out the reason

Before I let anyone else in

 

Am I your sweet sacrifice?

The one you say you love

And then just move on

Innocence and trickery

Seem to be your life ambitions

I just want to know why it had to be me

 

Do you ever think of me

Other than when you need something

Or has somebody else

Always clouded your vision

Because you sure as hell

Were never there

When I needed you

 

You lifted me up

To disguise the fact

That you dragged me down

And held me back

While I hoped

You’d hold me close

But I’m held in the tight grip

Of remorse

Because I always made time for you

Even though I didn’t have to

 

I heard things about you

I talked to you myself

It was all sweet, sour, and saucy

I flung myself into a tub

Of warm blood

The rest was a blur

Of friendly deceit

And hearts that opened and closed

 

I used to write about you

Because I felt like I lived and breathed for you

Now, I write about you

In desperate attempts

To get you out of my system

I need to make progress

And you are blocking traffic

If only

I could bring every atom of me

To hate you

As much as I thought I loved you

The Meaning of Life?

As I get older, I find myself always trying to improve. Working to develop my interests like a tree branching out and touching the sky with its height. I feel like I discover or rediscover a piece of myself every day, through music, my writing, thoughts, emotions, and experiences. But that’s the point of life, isn’t it? Finding yourself, piece by piece. Nostalgia occasionally hits me like a trainwreck. Journaling keeps me inspired. Writing helps me breathe because I tend to let so much of me get cluttered and piled up inside. The more I look at the people, objects, and environments around me, the more aware and alive I feel. But sometimes, my existence feels dead. I’ve managed to become stronger, even in my moments of weakness. So no matter what happens, I will always be okay in the end. I have a purpose, dreams, and I intend to fulfill them all.

Everywhere

Your voice is a lullaby

And like nails on a chalkboard

Makes me delirious

Until I can hardly form words

You look like an angel

But have the devil inside

I wish I was more careful

Wish I never fell in love with your lies

 

It’s such a shame

We’re both to blame

Let the roof cave in

 

Emotions are addicting

We ride the high until we’re numb

I sipped on roses and moonlight

But you were chasing the sun

My heart wanted to follow you

Yours wanted to leave me behind

I’m seeing clearly now

But back then, there were so many signs

Everywhere

 

Your mind is beautiful

But beauty can be deceiving

Gives me butterflies

Setting the stage for hurt feelings

You have the confidence of a god

Bringing dead demons back to life

I wish I wasn’t so ignorant

Wish I never got fooled by your smile

 

It’s too bad

We never tried to fix the cracks

Let the truth sink in

 

I thought I fell in love

With the other half of my heart

Turns out I was obsessed

With bringing to light

My darkest parts

I thought I fell in love

With the key to my happiness

But you were just another bitter tombstone

Who didn’t care enough

To see me at my best

Dream Weaver

Nightmares feed my fire

Kiss my lips and they’ll turn redder

Than blood

Make me cry

So that I won’t forget you

 

I’m a body of words

With cracks in my pavement

They say that’s where flowers grow

I’m an ocean of tears

In the middle of a drought

They say that’s how pain dies

I’m your best and worst memory

A soul searcher

Love giver

Dream weaver

My only question is

Can you handle it?

 

Mistakes feed my fire

Believe in me

And I’ll fall faster

Than the setting sun

Rip the band-aids off my scars

So that I won’t forget you

 

Do you know what you’re getting into?

I’ll always know

That I’m more than good enough for you

Do you even realize what you’ve done?

Helped me to understand

That my strength is a weapon

For my eyes only

 

Touch my heart

And I’ll never forget you