Nightshade Trail

What’s your story?

Inner and outer

That seems to be all it takes

For me to think I’m in love

 

I looked for love in the wind

Got temporarily touched

Was used for my empathy

Used for my talents and abilities

Heartbroken for making memories

Then watched it all blow away

Like ashes

Good riddance

 

I looked for love on the other side

Got awakened like a spring white rose

Along with my self-esteem

Thrown off balance

Enough said

I learned that the past should stay dead

 

I looked for love in a fire

Got my soul truly saved

Got my patience tested

Discovered who I am

Instead of who I pretended to be

As usual, my heart was broken

At least now I know

How to fix it

 

I don’t have the time or energy

For games anymore

I can’t say that I have too many regrets

When I’m more inspired than ever

Come find me underground

I’m strong enough to dig

Love me for me

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On the Outside of Introspection

I’m tired of feeling like I have to

Censor my truth

I’m the predator and the prey

Of my self-worth

Trust me, I’m more scared of myself

Than I am of you

 

Don’t let me go

Unless you’d rather use me

Than care about me

In that case, I’d be happy to lose you

If it means finding the better parts of me

 

I need time alone

Forlorn and proud

But I can’t stand being away

From those I love for too long

Some may call me clingy

At least my heart is genuine

I’d rather not be awake from dusk to dawn

Crying

 

I’m a synthesized sunset

With eyes that are windows

To every soul

Shy petals

Blooming and blossoming

From both lips

And between my hips

 

Deceive me once

Shame on me for giving my all to you

Deceive me again and again

For your personal gain

Fuck you

It’s not my responsibility to be you for you

 

I’m a future tattoo

A shard of stained glass

A bloodstained word vessel

Bursting at the seams

 

I’m the personification

Of a broken heart

That is slowly learning

To love itself

My head is so full of dreams

I’m in the process of flinging them

Into my reality

Until the nightmares and dead serotonin

Don’t stand a chance

 

I went from a little white lie

To an empty picture frame on a bedside table

Getting lonely

Anxiously waiting to be filled

With tattered memories

If you’re able to save me,

You’ll awaken my ability

To save you too

 

I’m a clean mess

A backyard ocean

An evanescent goddess

Imperfect, but fearless

On the inside

I Forgive, I Move On, But I Never Forget

You say sorry. I smile. But, I still get a tingling feeling in my stomach every time I remember. It’s not the good kind of tingling either. Jolts of electricity are lighting up a black hole, throwing off my universe’s pendulum. Trying to forget the pain caused by someone who makes the same mistakes over and over, who hurts you over and over is like staring out the window while in a moving car. It’s easy to zone out and ignore everything for a while. Suddenly, the brakes are slammed and the calm car is forcefully brought to a lurching stop. You poked a hole in my heart again. You stabbed your knife and twisted it into my back. You punctured the lungs of my self-esteem again. I fall apart.  You apologize and hastily attempt to put me back together before someone notices. I forgive you and move on with my life, another stone branded on my mind. The cycle repeats. How can I leave something behind that keeps getting in my way? How can I breathe when you keep jumping down my throat? How can I learn to love myself when you interrupt my positive train of thought and expect me to love you more instead, even though you’re the one who made me this way?

Worthless

I stare at myself

In the mirror

Hating what stares back

Pointing out all my flaws

And wishing for what I lack

My insecurities

Get the best of me

 

I don’t feel beautiful

I can’t do anything right

I’m not special

I don’t shine under any spotlight

I fall behind

The ones that are priceless

I’m just worthless

 

I sit and cry

I’m not important

If I had something to say

No one would care

I dream in nightmares

Because I’ll never be good enough

Not even for love

 

I don’t belong anywhere

I can’t try new things

I’m always scared

I want to be somebody

That’s worth something

 

My life is pointless

I should end it

I’m just worthless…

 

I stare at myself

In the mirror

Accepting what stares back

Ignoring all my “flaws”

And loving what I have

My insecurities

Do not define me

 

I feel beautiful

There’s a lot I’ve done right

I am special

I don’t need a spotlight

I’m far ahead of

The ones that are “priceless”

I am not worthless

 

I stand and smile

I am important

If I had something to say

There is always someone who cares

I dream sweetly of past nightmares

Because there’s no such thing as being enough

We all deserve love

 

I belong somewhere

I don’t have to try everything

But I won’t be drowned by my fears

Everybody is a somebody

Worth everything

 

My life is limitless

I should keep it

I am not worthless

Pedestal

You want me to grow

So you make me feel small

You want me to heal

So you reopen old wounds

You want the best for me

So you throw your worst at me

You want me to be happy

So you take my happiness away

I’m your pageant girl!

Oh my god

I’m worthy?

What an honor

Me being free

To express my own emotions

Oh the horror!

I make you so proud

You manipulate others

Into thinking everything’s perfect

That way, they’ll never see

How you manipulate me

What a pretty face I have

What a smart brain I have

What a hard worker I am

What a talent for writing I have

You brag about me in public

And drown me in private

Step on my oversensitive little soul

To inflate your ego

Like a parade float balloon

I’m your prized possession

Your fragile sacrifice

I bet that you believe in the saying

”Blood is thicker than water”

So, how would you react

If you ever discovered

That your baby’s tears

Grew up to be blood

That gushes like a river

Because we are all only human

And walls crumble

And when dams break

Skin is only as tough as porcelain

I’m your favorite decoration

Your brokenhearted doll

Forever questioning myself

Questioning my worth

Because you put me

On a pedestal

Just to bring me down

For the sake of

Raising yourself up

Maybe You’re Right

What’s so special about me

At nine years old

So young and already so desperate

To not be alone

Trusting the wrong people

Sacrificing my dignity

I thought that crushing on you

Made me brave

But you flipped over the tables

And for the rest of the year,

I was afraid

 

Maybe you’re right

I’m as ugly as your heart

It doesn’t matter what I do

You won’t change your mind or ways

Maybe you’re right

I’m too unworthy

To even look you in the eye

The sky is blue

But my mind is numb

The only way to make you smile

Is to let you make me feel ashamed

 

Why did I believe

That my ultimate dream

Was to be loved by a pathetic boy

Who thought he was a man

Gossipping schoolgirl laughter

Led to a broken future

I couldn’t move

Couldn’t speak

I allowed your frigid words

To melt my self-esteem

 

Tears burn

But they are the sign of a lesson learned

I grew up

I know I’m beautiful

Who knows how you turned out?

I really don’t care

Because I’ve come far

And there was nothing special or rare

About you

 

You were wrong

Over the Edge

I know good and well

That I’m flawed

I don’t need your constant reminders

I am so aware

That I make mistakes

I don’t need you to make me feel worse

You think you know me

Yet, treat me like a check box

On your to-do list

You think you’re helping me

But you ignore when I’m drowning

I don’t need saving

 

If you care so much

Then where were you every time

A part of me died

Where the hell were you

When all I needed

Was someone to talk to

You want every pretty piece of me for yourself

Pretty pieces shatter

When you drive them over the edge

This pedestal you put me on

Is way too tall

And if I fall,

I’ll lose it all

 

Life is hard

Life is unfair

We all need someone to love

Someone to be there

I try my best

Sometimes, my flame will flicker out

So, how dare you

Put words in my mouth

You have such a hero complex

You thrive off of hypocrisy

But I’m always learning

And my hero is in me

 

If you want me to fly

Then stop imitating gravity

If you want me to smile

Then stop making me cry

If you want me to be confident

Then don’t be my demons’ friends

If you love me

Then let me write my own story