Sadness

Using storm clouds as an umbrella

And they change colors like a mood ring

Haven’t been in love yet

Just loved and sometimes lonely

Been the poison and the victim

At war with thoughts that succeeded

At making me feel worthless

Spending a large part of my life

Believing lies

Even those told by my own brain

My bedroom is my ballroom

Where I try to get lost in music

Or words on paper

Instead of the shadows of myself

Falling out of the sky

With only my corpse to catch me

 

I’m told I’m loved

Even when I know I can be too much

I’m told I’m never too much

Even when I feel like I’m never enough

I’m told I’m more than enough

I don’t fully believe it

But I almost do

 

What’s real and what’s fabricated?

The love that exists all around me

That always has and always will

The beauty of my heart, mind, soul, and smile

That shines through, despite the breakage

All of that is irrevocably real

And the fabrication that causes I and millions of others to suffer

Is real and powerful as well

But it can be defeated throughout life’s moments

Because healing is not linear

 

Nowadays, if I can’t find a safe place,

I build one

I’ve never felt more like myself

Because this is me

I think I’ve finally struck a balance

Between loving and helping others

And myself

I cry when I’m hurting and when I’m not

And that’s okay

Because I’m taking care of myself,

Staying out of harm’s way

Clean isn’t easy

You can’t sugarcoat it

But my truth is that I’m grateful to still be alive

And writing this poem made me cry

Wrong Colors

Invaders of my sanity

Do you even know

How wrong you are?

Can you even fucking comprehend

How small you make me feel?

Do you honestly care

As much as you keep saying you do?

What are your true colors?

They keep changing

Our normal is unhealthy

 

You tell me to be free

Then push me back into a box

Feeling trapped is an understatement

I’m broken until I’m not me

 

You would let me fall off a cliff

If I didn’t settle for your demands

Your downpour of excuses

Your polluted apologies

Your dead on arrival promises

 

You’re not helping me

By hurting me

You’re not healing me

By slicing open scars

More than I ever did

Why should I want to live

If I’m slowly dying inside like this?

 

I love you

I’m tired of trying to get through to you

I appreciate the good you do

I’m tired of my mind internalizing

All of the battles

That you put me through

I still need you

But I won’t let my yellow light

Be overcome by your dark gray matter

This Rubik’s cube is the poster child

For sweet only to the public

Bittersweet toxicity

Cerulean Solace

I accidentally broke my own heart again

The dreaded realization

Overthinking like it’s oxygen

But it’s poison

I know that now

The past can’t be changed

Why should I dwell on it

Like I’m going to get a refund?

Floating in a pool of scars

Is better than drowning in them

Each day, I am laughing

More than I’m crying

Instead of dying inside,

I’m in love with who I am

Who I’m becoming

My smile in photographs

Now reflects my reality

Sometimes, I’d make happy memories

But I wasn’t happy

If you think I haven’t suffered

If you think I’ve never hated myself

Enough to hurt myself and hide

If you think I can carry the universe

On my back

And be okay, without a fault or mark

Then you never knew me

As well as you thought

But now, I can say that I’m at ease

And mean it

My skin is a battle wound

I never escaped unscathed

But I’m strong enough to keep fighting

Me, my love, and my words

Wringing out my dirty laundry

Until my mindset is a clear blue sky

And the crows are speechless

I found my purpose

And accidentally fell back in love with life

Hopeful Heart

I’m a magnet for shadows

I let them love me

When I struggle to love myself

I have chemistry

With imbalanced brain chemistry

I light the way

For rivers of tears

I isolate myself

When I can’t handle the harsh truth

When in this state, if I love you

I’ll look anywhere but at you

It’s not your fault

And I don’t want to hurt you

But I’m only hurting myself

And I’m fully aware of that

I’m comfortable in my skin

So why do I vandalize it?

I’m proud of how far I’ve come

So why do I take cheap shortcuts?

I care so much about everyone else

So why don’t I show that same love

To myself?

Life can feel hopeless

But my heart is hopeful

It’s bruised, burned, broken, and still beating

There is a blanket of permanence

In my mind’s linen closet

I just have to keep removing temporary towels

To find it

I… just want to be happy

Haunted

You live to be the star

That I chase

But lately, more than ever

You’ve become the dark side of my moon

I feel like I’m losing control

Of my own life

Even though I’ve been in control all along

 

You help me

You hurt me

You heal me

You love me

I’m alone inside you

 

I lose sleep when I’m awake

You are awake when I’m asleep

Why am I always happy and sad

At the same time?

Feeling numb is even worse

 

You are a haven

For angels and demons

I adore and hate you for it

Getting lost in you is

A coping mechanism

But how do I cope with you?

 

My cheeks are wet

It’s hard to see the bright side

When it seems so far away

And I keep running out of time

But if time is an illusion,

Why can’t I just sit down and breathe?

 

There’s blood on the walls

Writing the words

That I’ve always happily choked on

There’s blood on the walls

Even though it’s invisible to others,

I know that it’s there

Aching to break through my veins

You warned me to break free from you

When will I listen to my own advice?

 

I am not possessed

This is who I am

The pain in the beginning

The static in the middle

Will all be worth it in the end

Life is worth living

 

I cannot blame you

Without blaming myself

Because I am you

Therefore, I have more power than I realize

 

There’s blood on the walls

It will dry and form scars

Life is still worth living

Your intoxication will never be gone

That doesn’t mean I have to give in to your night

I’m going to live for the day

When you’re dead to me

I Will Be Okay (“I’m Not Okay” Part 3)

I relapsed and I regret it

Wearing my heart hidden under my sleeve

As soon as I fix a broken part

It breaks again

And all I want to do is give up

If it would mean more sleep

But that’s just blissful ignorance

 

I relapsed and I regret it

It was the heat of the moment

Rational thoughts were struck by bullets

For years, I built up walls

To protect myself from growing pains

But as I age, they decay

And I can’t save them

 

I relapsed and I regret it

All of my darkness has come to stand in the spotlight

Yet, I’m the one being blinded

It didn’t have to be this way

I need to swallow my pride before I choke on it

It doesn’t have to be this way

I want to get better

And this time, I mean it

 

I can’t afford to relapse again

I’m usually so much stronger than this

But this is my new beginning

Not the end

I Am a Scar

I always wanted to be a fairytale

Be able to dance circles

Around the ballerina in the music box

Not knowing that there was such a thing

As a voice not being heard

But I refuse to be ignored

 

There are three types of hearts

The ones who love too much

The ones who take and take

But too much is never enough

And the ones who have given, taken, and fallen

Somehow always finding the strength

To get back up

 

I’d say I’m heart type #3

But why label?

Why number?

A speck of stardust

In a suffocating sea of glitter

The real vs. the artificial

 

She has a pretty smile

Why is she so quiet?

She has kind eyes

Maybe she can help me

Oh hell yeah!

She gives good advice

And truly cares

She won’t catch on to my game

 

She has so many beautiful thoughts

Why doesn’t she talk more?

Wait, she started talking to me

She trusts me

I’ll take advantage

She won’t notice

She can be the perfect distraction

Until I exchange her fragile heart

For mediocrity

To fill my insecure void

 

Goodbye heartache

You were a fake friend

Goodbye heartache

I’ll find a worthy lover someday

And write about the reality of you

Until the end

 

I can only be protected

For so long

Until my mind sees the light

Of darkness

Sucking in my stomach

To breathe

Responsibilities of life

Draining my energy

Having to hide my scissors

Because my body isn’t safe

When my head is in this place

Ashamed of my own reflection

Scared to speak again

Nightmares interrupting my dreams

Making me believe

I should keep sleeping

And choose to never wake up

 

But I have chosen to wake up

Every time

People who are my light of day

Helped me regain control of my mind

And reminded me of my ability

To shine through the night

Read between the red lines

 

I’m not always tough enough

To be a fighter

But at least I’m not a user

I’ll be honest

I’ve always been delicate

I’ve always been sensitive

Empathetic

Consistently damaged

I bet you never thought

That I would embrace it

And own it

She’s smart

She’ll be fine

She has some star power

No

I have scar power

I am unforgettable

Secrets

Maybe I’m tired

Of waking up on the floor

Maybe I’m tired

Of being a fighter

Maybe I’m tired

Of crying

Maybe I’m tired

Of trying

Maybe I’m just tired

 

The world’s a mess

But so am I

Walls come down

And I just lie

 

I told you

About the little things

That always make me smile

But I didn’t tell you

That I broke down last night

I keep telling you

That the future is bright

But I never tell you

About the times

I picked up the knife

 

Maybe I’m fine

Always being alone

Maybe I love you

More than you could ever know

Maybe I want to write down

All the stories I never told

Maybe all I need

Is a hand to hold

Maybe I’ll never stop

Pushing you away

Maybe one day

You will stay

 

Hearts are breaking

Open your eyes

My will to live is dying

And I just hide

 

They know me

But they don’t see me

They tell me the truth

But they don’t show me

All I can do

Is be there for you

 

I know the little things

That always make you smile

Last night, we smiled until it hurt

I told you about that time

I put down the knife

Together, we can heal

We will be alright

Even the strongest

Are weak sometimes

No Innocence Here

I never want to change who I am

Everyone else does it for me

I have trust issues

Because who can be trusted

In a world of cracked mirrors

 

One cup of coffee

Then another and another

One shot of tequila

Then another and another

One pill popped

Then an overdose

Just to survive

 

It’s like the truth doesn’t matter anymore

Where is the lie?

It’s like every day

A mother has to watch her son die

And rumors fly

Under hot, flashing spotlights

Might as well learn to embrace the pain

Because there’s always loss

For someone else’s gain

No innocence here

 

A beautiful girl named Insecurity

Stumbles out of a party

A strange man corners her in an alley

He asked her if she wanted to die a virgin

She thought about her friends still inside

And cried “over my dead body”

 

One cut made

Then another and another

One tear shed

Then another and another

One step closer to the edge

Then the jump

Who wants to survive?

 

Where’s God to save us now?

As we celebrate life

By burning paradise to the ground

 

Where did the love go?

Another divorce paper signed

Where did the hearts go?

Another night of sleep lost,

Trying to graduate

Where did the souls go?

Another gun holder “lost his mind”

 

If a girl being a boy

And a boy being a girl

Is unnatural

If bias clouds common sense

If money replaced the concept of humanity

And harshly silences children

Where is the innocence?

Not here

Not anywhere

 

We never want to change anything

But maybe, just maybe

A little change is necessary

 

Where did the love go?

Where did the hearts go?

Where did the souls go?

No innocence here