So Worried // No Worries

I was encouraged to grow up too fast

I didn’t know I had a choice

That opportunity was always taken away

Until it was buried six feet under

Until I can only be free

One night at a time

And even that sometimes feels wrong

Because that darkness is too dark

I can’t win

Everyone says I am light

Therefore, I am

But that’s just not always the case

I accept death

Yet, the thought still rattles my hollow bones

And breaks my broken heart

To this day, there is nobody

Other than me

Who knows me inside out

Who can read me

 

 

Criticism and love are not the same

Love doesn’t leave bruises and cuts

On the skin or soul

I can’t take c’ est la vie

Or carpe diem “advice” seriously

You don’t know what it’s like

Until it happens to you

Or someone you love

A stigma cannot be fought

By adding to it

I am a scar

I’ve written about this before

Why am I so quiet?

Well, I’m not anymore

You’re just not listening

Unless the words are what you want to hear

Why are you so loud

Without thinking or empathizing?

Shameless Liability

Am I an important person in your life

Or just a guilty pleasure?

Am I here to provide meaning

Or validation?

I don’t need your approval

You could honestly learn from me

 

Sorry you got bored of me

Your loss

Sorry I was too much

Your loss

Sorry I wasn’t enough

Your loss

I almost changed for you

What was I thinking?

I never conform

Unless it’s an emergency

All I can ever be is me

 

I feel with the force of nature

I break down side-by-side

With extreme weather

I’ve sacrificed more for the betterment of others

Than for myself

So, my puzzle is missing several pieces

When it comes to walking away,

I’m always late

I’ve lived for so long

So timid and afraid

Being okay with being weak

Before I considered leaving,

They’d already walked all over me

 

In spite of it all,

My heart has only grown with me

I’m taking my power back

Setting fire to the past

I’m half dead, half alive

Unashamed of my inner tug-of-war

If I say I love or care about you,

I mean it with everything I have in me

I am time’s acid-tongued enemy

Life Story

Young blood

Hiding out in the corner

A smile

That predicts a higher purpose

 

Warm blood

Standing center stage

An imagination

That unfurls the leaves

 

Hot blood

Retreating behind the emotional curtain

A bittersweet taste

Testing the waters

 

Cold blood

Settling above ground

A simmering electricity

That repeatedly shocks the world

When it boils over

 

Spilled blood

Breaking through the tear ducts

Splashing onto the page

Staining the walls

Under fading moonlight

A sense of self

Falling apart at the seams

An assortment of loose threads and ends meeting halfway

 

Pumping blood

Breathing into the heart

That sometimes stops beating

Painting the lips a new shade

Making them shyly smile

Awakening the imagination

That changes seasons

Giving fresh water

To soothe the bittersweet

Charging the electricity

To shower the sky

With solar power

Cleaner energy

 

A sense of self

Stitching up old wounds

Taking old scars and worn pages

And creating art

That touches the heart

Gentle and rough

Intricate details and imperfect endings

Make for the strongest new beginnings

I Am a Scar

I always wanted to be a fairytale

Be able to dance circles

Around the ballerina in the music box

Not knowing that there was such a thing

As a voice not being heard

But I refuse to be ignored

 

There are three types of hearts

The ones who love too much

The ones who take and take

But too much is never enough

And the ones who have given, taken, and fallen

Somehow always finding the strength

To get back up

 

I’d say I’m heart type #3

But why label?

Why number?

A speck of stardust

In a suffocating sea of glitter

The real vs. the artificial

 

She has a pretty smile

Why is she so quiet?

She has kind eyes

Maybe she can help me

Oh hell yeah!

She gives good advice

And truly cares

She won’t catch on to my game

 

She has so many beautiful thoughts

Why doesn’t she talk more?

Wait, she started talking to me

She trusts me

I’ll take advantage

She won’t notice

She can be the perfect distraction

Until I exchange her fragile heart

For mediocrity

To fill my insecure void

 

Goodbye heartache

You were a fake friend

Goodbye heartache

I’ll find a worthy lover someday

And write about the reality of you

Until the end

 

I can only be protected

For so long

Until my mind sees the light

Of darkness

Sucking in my stomach

To breathe

Responsibilities of life

Draining my energy

Having to hide my scissors

Because my body isn’t safe

When my head is in this place

Ashamed of my own reflection

Scared to speak again

Nightmares interrupting my dreams

Making me believe

I should keep sleeping

And choose to never wake up

 

But I have chosen to wake up

Every time

People who are my light of day

Helped me regain control of my mind

And reminded me of my ability

To shine through the night

Read between the red lines

 

I’m not always tough enough

To be a fighter

But at least I’m not a user

I’ll be honest

I’ve always been delicate

I’ve always been sensitive

Empathetic

Consistently damaged

I bet you never thought

That I would embrace it

And own it

She’s smart

She’ll be fine

She has some star power

No

I have scar power

I am unforgettable

What Am I Waiting For?

Every night

Making 11:11 wishes

Like a favorite record

On repetition

Lightbulbs glowing in my head

Left and right

Just have to try not to drop them

Except for the familiar taste of poison

In certain people

Now that’s an epiphany

 

Why should I be afraid

Of doing what makes me feel brave?

I want to show the world

What I’m made of

Be myself unapologetically

I’m not sure where that fire came from

But I want to feed it

Not drown out its voice

Silence that speaks volumes

Above the noise

 

I never asked to get hurt

I never asked to have my heart ruthlessly stolen

I never asked for my compassionate nature

To be taken for granted

I’m taking my heart back

Turning my pain

That was their pleasure

Into something magnificent

Something that goes over their heads

All of me at my best

 

The skyscraper is scraping the sky

Their merry-go-round is at a full stop

I’ve been walking on eggshells

My whole life

Now, the abyss is closing

And I’m finally free falling

Instead of crash landing

The shy girl is chasing her star

What have I been waiting for?

Quiet

Why is it so hard

To tell you how I feel

To open up my heart

And let my love be revealed

The words are there

On the tip of my tongue

But I’m frozen with fear

Afraid to lose all luck

 

You mean so much to me

I fell so deep

 

I just want to scream to the world

How much I love you

Make it loud and clear

And you have no clue

Relieve myself of the pain

Have your heart melt into mine

But I let you walk away

While I stay quiet

 

This is too much

I’m asking myself all the questions

In the same spot, I am stuck

Missing all my chances

The feelings are there

Just chilling on the edge

I promise that I care

I knew from the moment we met

 

Emotions are so strong

That they hurt

I waited too long

Because now you have her

 

Secretly, I’m hoping

That she’ll float away

Like dust in the wind

And in your arms I shall stay

I lie awake at night

Dreaming of the day

The time will be right

No hesitation

And I’ll say it

Bullet

I’ve been running

Away from anything that comes my way

I’ve been hiding

Behind every possible wall

I’ve been wishing

For all my dreams to come true someday

I need something

To push me forward

 

I don’t want to be so shy

How will I know what could be

If I never have the courage to try?

 

Teach me how to win

Against the speed of light

How to dance among the stars

Teach me how to never stop

Or else I won’t get very far

Show me how to not be an obstacle

To myself

Help me be fearless

To shoot across the world

Like a bullet

 

I have to quit

Caring what others think

I have to break this bad habit

Of dwelling on my past mistakes

Mean words pierce like knives

Jackasses crush whatever hope you have left

I shouldn’t let any of that

Kill my drive

 

I don’t want to be so shy

How will I know what could be

If I never have the courage to try?

 

They used to hold me down

Make me their target of oppression

Talk about me as if I wasn’t around

They’re just cowards

Reading the wrong set of directions

I am a champion

No more constant crying

Because I found my wings