What?

Once again,

I reprogrammed my brain wrong

I can receive all of the advice, encouragement, and criticism

In the world

But in the end, it’s up to me

Looking back and comparing then to now

Really breaks and soothes my heart

I know what’s best for me

Exactly how much do I believe it though?

Self-sabotage party for one

Like my soul is decomposing

Playing with fire

Because I believe in magic

Optimistic optical illusions

I don’t know what I miss more

I kind of wish

That expectations didn’t exist

They’re so divisive

High and low through highs and lows

Rarely correlate

Heavy is the head that wears the crown

Thanks for picking me up

And being patient with me through all of this

Cheer Down

Hard work doesn’t just build character

It can also tear it down

Talk the talk in public

Cry when alone

 

Every mistake treated like a failure

A wreck

Milestones delayed

 

Ringing alarm clock is a sucker punch

Pre-stressed about future stress

Simultaneously not trying enough

And trying too hard

 

My past and present selves

Constantly battle it out

To stand on the highest step

Cheering up is like finding an anchor

That can float

Loud

This is war and I don’t want it

I fight it

Hard to go to bed

Hard to get out of bed

 

Criticized

For every breath I take

Every move I make

Someone is always watching

Sometimes, I would like to be left alone

Even if I’m not busy

 

Voices in my head

In my ear

On my screen

Leave

Get out

Let me be

 

The city lights are pretty

Until they’re too bright

Then you get frightened

By shadows in corners

Crawling up the walls

Waiting for you to fall

So you can be returned to your pedestal

Where you know you don’t belong

The Unsolved Elixir

Medicating the medicine

More than fifty states of mind

Talk about their god complex

What about my savior one?

Want to be right so bad

That you lean the wrong way

 

No cure

Just temporary fixes

Massive build-ups and releases

“Crying doesn’t solve anything”

Sometimes, it solves everything

 

Closed heart surgery

The head and the heart

Oh how they fall apart

We all fall apart

We all fall down

Rise back up

And fall back down

Monochrome

Color

Paint

Draw

Color

By number

All the same

In a simple way

 

Productivity

A mountain to climb

A hill to die on

An illusion to survive on

 

Feelings shiver and shake

Like earthquakes

Changing the groundwork

Laid by heathens and heroes

 

Seeing red

Seeing green

Seeing blind

Seeing the light

One day

Sometimes

At last

Equations

When are you going to be good at math?

Why are you so quiet?

Why are you the way that you are?

Did you know that you’re still the same and changing?

It doesn’t matter

 

Why aren’t you more confident?

What do you have to be insecure about?

You’re such a nice girl!

Therefore, you must be nice all the time 

Even when you’re disrespected and put down 

Wow

 

When are you going to have your first date?

Your first kiss?

Your first relationship?

When are you going to lose your virginity?

When the time is right and I’m ready

 

Since you’re already *insert age here*,
What do you want to do with your life?

When are you going to get your driver’s license?

When are you going to graduate?

When are you going to get married?

When are you going to have kids?

Please leave me alone

 

Why won’t you tell every person

Inside and outside of your life

Every single detail of your personal life?

When will you stop being depressed?

When will you stop being anxious?

 

You don’t need to know everything about me

To care about me

Mental health is real

For the most part, I’m happy, healthy, and alive

My love and body are my prerogative

Don’t let anyone make you feel less than

For being human

On your own timeline and at your own pace

The human race is not a race

 

 

Word Vomit

I keep turning to see if you’re watching me

Happy anniversary to the accident

That was totally on purpose

I’m sorry I’m not good-

I mean I’m good, how are you?

I’m getting married

I know you are, but what am I?

Resolutely defying what I am not okay with

Bodies in motion

Where’s the break from commercial breaks?

They broke their promises

What’s new?

This is great!

That’s terrible!

Built like glass

 

Drop out

Cop out

Get out and in

Who stopped playing music?

 

Inside of my mind

Out of control

My name is written all over you

A nice reward

Coming up next…

Skipped the reunion

Investing in some sage is long overdue

 

It would suck so much

To wait for something that never happens

But please do spoil the surprise

If it was going to be bad

I’m messy

I’m a freak

And I honestly don’t care

So there

 

I’m not always available

Deal with it

Yes, this is getting long

That’s the point

I don’t plan on stopping

Until I feel like it

A whale yawned

And all seven seas followed suit

 

It’s none of your damn business

The end

Code Yellow

You hit me with dismissive gestures

As though to forestall your inconvenient obsession

With how I live my life

I’m coming into my own as a person

Which puts you on red alert

But I’m taking back my happiness

 

You go on about your great day after day

Sorry to say it

But truth be told, I’m never really that comfortable

I feel like I subconsciously set myself up for mental breakdowns

I try so hard to make other people happy

Then get frustrated and feel terrible

When I can’t do the same for me

 

I don’t care if you call me overdramatic

It’s okay to not be okay

I don’t care if my decisions seem erratic

It’s taken a lot of willpower

To get to where I am today

On the Inside, Looking Out

Dancing around my room

To do a deep clean of my soul

Making myself laugh in the bathroom mirror

When it feels like I could cry

Flopping onto my bed, chairs, and the floor

When you’re tired of many things,

You settle for comfortable

 

Familiar surroundings

Associated with familiar feelings

What’s the weather like there?

It’s like me

 

Tell me that time is of the essence

I’ll tell you that time doesn’t exist

Savor it; don’t rush it

Why are we in such a hurry to die?

The truth is juicy shock value

Stages of life claim to be the expectation

Where’s the originality?

Industries came marching in

Disguised as saints

To crush dreams of morning glories

 

Idolizing influencers who are often under the influence

Awards on award shows seem like participation trophies

I could live without my phone

But could you live without judging others?

I doubt that I’m alone in this

Sometimes, I impulsively isolate

It’s nothing personal, but if the shoe fits…

 

I’m inside out of my mind

Always cold, so I parade around

In a bathrobe like it’s a wedding dress

Your normal is my discomfort zone

Love the lonely

They Say If You Dream a Thing More Than Once, It’s Sure to Come True

Fabricated nonfiction- yikes

Fiction based on reality- yikes, but meaningful

Pay attention

Everybody’s got a story to tell

 

My vision may not be 20/20

But I’m not blind to what goes on around me

If you could feel

Everything that I feel

On any given day or night,

Would you want to live or die?

 

Running in imperfect circles

Words in the form of jagged lines

Sometimes, I start writing something

Just to see what happens

Provoking a concept

Provoking myself

Provoking my will to live

Several pages later

Better late than never

 

The more exhausted I get with life,

The less frequently I wear a bra

And what about it?

My golden body, my golden rules

 

Making a mental getaway

Do not disturb

You’ll remember my name

Why wait until my funeral to read this?

On a “I don’t care what you think of me” wave

Depending on the context of the situation of course

Living in an age

Where clowns lead parades

 

But enough about me

How are you?

Are you making the time and space

To be both selfless and selfish too?