Infinity and Beyond On High

I never want to change who I am

Everyone else does it for me

Depending on the point-of-view, I’m strong or broken

Joke’s on you because I’m both

And everything in between

 

I’m emotionally overbearing

With an unlimited supply of empathy

I’m guilty of victimizing myself out of fear

Along with falling for other people’s games out of love

I live in an almost constant state of insecurity

I said almost

 

I worry about being unloveable

At the same time, I know for a fact

That I’m so deserving

 

It can take me years to speak up

But when I do, I say it all

Opening the floodgates

I don’t understand the difference

Between love and infatuation

Between true and fake friends

Between genuine family members and selfish manipulators

Until I’ve gotten hurt or taken advantage of

Learned the same lesson again and again

 

I’m amazing in many ways

Beautiful inside and out

I’m a gift to know

And capable of impactful things

I bring light to the darkness

No matter how I’m feeling

I’m a heart-to-heart listener

A potential bestseller

Sweet and smart

Still alive

 

Demons throughout the course of my life,

Online, and in my mind

Told me I’m never good enough

For a multitude of reasons

I beg your fucking pardon

I am a delight

Arrow

My heart’s a little masochistic

Call me onion because I cry a lot

And have layers

Middle finger through the heart my hands make

Like an arrow

I dream about faces that came and went

And self-deprecate

To learn how to appreciate

 

I don’t know why I am the way that I am (I do)

I need validation from others to survive (I don’t)

I’m weak when I’m strong

And strong when I’m weak

I can and cannot help it

Let the bridges burn because I’ll still survive

 

I crave to be perceived

And to disappear without a trace

My mind’s a bit of a beautiful disaster

Every situation I end up in

Leaves a bittersweet aftertaste

I’ve got a death grip on atmosphere

Regifted

I’m used to telling you what you want to hear

But there’s always more I wish I could say

This isn’t the way I want my life to stay

Feeling buried alive by the weight of words unsaid

 

You’ve been hiding my gifts

But I’m about to open them

I rarely put myself first

Because I was made to feel like

That’s a foreign concept

Your yes girl is all grown up

 

You tried to convey the message

That being in your presence

Made me lucky

I’m about to limit and close off my inner circle

 

My holidays aren’t happy unless I am

This is the conflict resolution

That the story of my life has been building up to

Even With Your Imperfections, You Can Do Anything

Even when you walk alone,

You walk with your head held high

Even when you are patronized,

Your smile stretches a mile wide

 

When you don’t have a clue what you’re doing,

You keep going

When you finally figure it out,

It can still change

 

Surrounded by chaos

And you remain true to yourself

Yelled at, deceived, hurt

And you continue to heal

Breath stolen by black holes

You take it back every time

 

When made to feel small,

You grow

When you find yourself lost,

You follow the star in your heart

They tried to hold you back

They can’t reach you anymore

 

Skin wasn’t glowing yet

Your soul always did

Walls weren’t strong enough

But you were and continue to be

Your heart breaks easily

But it wasn’t true love in the first place

Avalanche of expectations from onlookers

You created your own happiness

 

Everything has gotten worse and harder

Everything has also started looking up and getting better

Intrusive thoughts are violent

Your mindset encourages you to be a pacifist

In the war within your head

If someone appears to have more,

That does not make you worth any less

 

Note to self

Look at how far you’ve come

Look at how close you are

To the next chapter

With every scar and flaw,

You are writing it

Deprivation

Where do ashes land after the wind blows?

Broken dishes

Shattered hearts

The sleeping undead

Acrobatic arrows

Hitting their target

Every single time

I don’t know how to cope with reality

So I dip my brush in the abstract acrylics

And I don’t care if none of this makes sense

If I can put up with my traumatized nonsense

For my entire life

Then you can for a few minutes

 

Craving a getaway from everything

Because everything can be too much

My heart is soft, but rough to the touch

My pen brings a chaotic ambiance

Cursed in all of the best and worst ways

Like my life

Choking the life out of me

I know how to cope with darkness

But it never gets any easier

Are bloodstains emotionally permanent?

Destination

Not everything is meant to stay the same

My trust is more limited now

And that’s a beautiful thing

Never been a morning person

That doesn’t mean I want to dread waking up

I’d rather throw my problems out the window

 

I know the truth that they refuse to accept

I’ve been writing the words that they’re thinking

But are scared to say

A lane of my own

The murder mystery that helped me figure myself out

Acting like my life’s rightful owner

Too easy

I’m in and you’re out

 

Letting go of who and what poisoned me

Stepping over who and what stifled my creativity

If I’m not growing,

If I’m not happy,

Sorry not sorry, I’ll pass

 

The light doesn’t seem so far away anymore

I can’t let my dreams be stagnant

My love is not real estate

They lied enough to make beds

Now, they can break them like those promises

I’m better off

They may try to come back

But little do they know,

I’m long gone

Casual

Killing me slowly

I used to just let it happen

Because you did it softly

I was fighting for everyone but myself

 

You fucked with my reality

You fucked with my self worth

Betrayed me if your pride was on the line

I’m learning how to be honest with myself

I don’t fuck with you anymore

 

You put me through the wringer

Before I knew any better

I recently had to delete a bunch of messages

Because reading over them again

Made me sick to my stomach

 

You said you’d always be there for me

And threw salt on my wounds

Maybe you attract so many snakes

Because you are one

I’m a survivor

 

At some point, I got tired of living on edge

For the sake of getting your attention

Tired of the rumors and jealousy

That’s not what friends are for

Our group, squad, whatever you call it

Was a mess that kept devolving

 

I won’t forget the good times

Not every memory is dark

But we’re not as close as we used to be

And I’m okay with that

 

When you repeatedly replaced me,

I kept wondering where I went wrong

I was only wrong

For letting you get away with it all

For so long

We’re all only human

But there’s no excuse

For being so casually cruel

In the name of love