Autopsy

I returned from a war that never ends

Fighting a losing battle that I sometimes win

I want to be known, but invisible

Don’t say my name, but also do

My heart screams to the heavens

From the underworld

Raised to appreciate the spotlight and attention

But I need time to withdraw to survive

 

Confidence is my question that has no answer

“Just do this, just do that”

”Just be this, just be that”

”Just say this, just say that”

Listen, you can’t just throw me into open season

I am bold on my own terms

 

Shy to sassy like flicking a light switch

Writing mental prescriptions for adrenaline and sedatives

Naked in the sky with diamonds

Then, running to hide behind the next lunar eclipse

I’m not ready until I say so

But as soon as I am, you’ve got a big storm coming

 

An affinity for morbid humor and a habit of biting my tongue

A vice of a desire to hurt and a longing to heal

I’d rather cry every day than feel numb

I’m not afraid to be open anymore

Not completely unafraid though

But I’ll make it work

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Matchbook Heart

Drop your walls

There has been a hidden flame

For at least a year now

You light my fire

 

To be completely real with you,

Life doesn’t get any easier

But it always feels better

When we live it together

 

I’ll be your constant

I’ll be your love

I won’t change

For anyone

Or anything

 

You are my sunrise

My sunset

My sunshine and starlight

In the darkest night

 

Win or lose

I’ll stand by you

Even when I can’t reach you

After all, that’s what you do

You balance me like your life

With love

 

Six words:

Faith

Trust

Love

Lust

Communication

Compassion

 

I’m positive that I could handle you

I know exactly what I’d be getting into

Where you see madness,

I see beauty

When your hope is running on empty,

I’ll refill it

When you’re weak,

I’ll hold you

And care for you

Until you feel strong again

 

I want to sign

My red lipstick signature

On your heart of fire

Call it a sign of the times

Let our stories come together

Bleed into one another

Because every single sign

Points in your direction

Regardless of your flaws

Or imperfections,

You’re beautiful to me

I know and connect with the open heart

That’s buried underneath

 

If it’s meant to be,

Why wait?

If it’s honest,

Why lie?

If it uplifts you

Instead of making you miserable,

Why live in denial?

If it’s sweet,

Why treat it like it’s sour

Like the others?

Pink Serenity

Suddenly,

Lonely transforms into serendipity

Through repeated vulnerability

I notice all of your little things

I am mine

You are yours

If we came together,

We could break the rules

And heal the world

 

You are a white blood cell

I wear your words in my memory

Like a wedding band

You are a symbol of recovery

A heart of gold

Sending love songs into my soul’s veins

I wish you would see what I see

In you

 

You crashed into my life

Like a tidal wave

Even when you’re gone,

Your presence doesn’t evaporate

Wildfires have nothing on you

Melodies and harmonies

Making love on the scale of your back

 

I was a satellite

Lost in space

Until you found me

And filled the skies in my eyes

With stars

And I wish you would see what I see

In you

Cerulean Solace

I accidentally broke my own heart again

The dreaded realization

Overthinking like it’s oxygen

But it’s poison

I know that now

The past can’t be changed

Why should I dwell on it

Like I’m going to get a refund?

Floating in a pool of scars

Is better than drowning in them

Each day, I am laughing

More than I’m crying

Instead of dying inside,

I’m in love with who I am

Who I’m becoming

My smile in photographs

Now reflects my reality

Sometimes, I’d make happy memories

But I wasn’t happy

If you think I haven’t suffered

If you think I’ve never hated myself

Enough to hurt myself and hide

If you think I can carry the universe

On my back

And be okay, without a fault or mark

Then you never knew me

As well as you thought

But now, I can say that I’m at ease

And mean it

My skin is a battle wound

I never escaped unscathed

But I’m strong enough to keep fighting

Me, my love, and my words

Wringing out my dirty laundry

Until my mindset is a clear blue sky

And the crows are speechless

I found my purpose

And accidentally fell back in love with life

Unapologetic and Vulnerable

You came to play games

I came to break the cycle

I’m done with allowing myself

To be weighed down

By chains and pedestals

You can burn me at the stake

But my salt will haunt your snow

 

Solar eclipses mean nothing to me

Only the moon understands me

I talk to shadows

But I’m still breathing

Sometimes, I know love

If I’ve already won,

What do I have to lose?

 

My time is not for sale

My adoration is a privilege

Not a right

You’re shocked that a young face

Is so alone

I know exactly what I want and need

It’s not you

 

I am fully capable

Of giving myself away

But not to just anyone

If you’re going to leave,

Then stay gone

I’m not always strong

My love bleeds through my scars

Like catching teardrops in my hands

I’m not sorry

Kiss my half-broken heart

Broken Stardust

I want this to be more

Than a fantasy

You’re good at making dreams come true

Don’t let go of me

 

The only ones you need to listen to

Are your head and heart

Because mine are speaking and writing

The same language

 

Life moves like a trainwreck

On loop

Emotions roll in

Like ill-suited storms

But there’s no more denying it

My pot of gold was destined

To be yours

I’d like my heart back

But we can still share it

 

I have ocean eyes

An ocean between my thighs

I care about you

More than I ever expected to

But that’s okay

Your universe, broken glass, broken stardust

All worth it

When the potential for love

Strikes like lightning,

Will you accept the spark?

At the End of the War

I spent so much time

So much of my life

Building up walls

Just to watch them

Come crumbling down

I don’t want to stay numb

To someone who could save me

 

It’s not healthy

For either of us

To live in the past

To cry over bottles

And let scars turn to rust

My heart wants a new tattoo

Dedicated to you

 

I’ve been a trainwreck

I’ve showered myself in bullets

I can admit I’ve been wrong

As humans, we’re not perfect

So why should I have to

Fight every battle alone?

 

Here, take my vulnerability

If you have the ability

To love me

If I gave myself up to you

I could soldier through

An army of demons

Their fear will make us fearless

 

Here, have half of my truth

If I can look at my soul

And see that it reflects you

They say that eyes are windows

I’m tired of my glass getting fogged up

Because of broken trust

And “the one that got away” love

 

If I opened my mind

To your open arms

If I capitulate

To your love

Promise that you won’t decapitate

My heart