Autobiographical

Drawing a blank right now

Can’t constantly be creative on call

I plan to improvise

Be spontaneous to strategize

 

I am and am not broken

Can’t think of anything I’m infamous for

Yet, I still feel guilty

Even though I give selflessly

Must be the water sign in me

With a splash of anxiety

 

Not sure if tiredness being part of my personality

Was a natural occurrence

Or man made

Guess it was both

 

With how much I survive

From thinking and dreaming,

I was ready to start writing

Before I started speaking

 

I am love and passion intertwined

It Seems That I Still Have a Tear to Shed

Looking and feeling a little worse for wear

At least I got out of bed

I’m the main one concerned

Since I hide it all so well

Objectified by mirrors

 

Behind my exhausted eyes,

I’m dying inside

Clinging to whatever’s left of hope in life

Sober

But still a mess

 

I remind myself that I’m not alone

I’m not alone

Running away

Before I can get backed into a corner

 

I’ve accepted that I’m not okay

At least for the time being

Going through the stages of grief

In a matter of seconds- one of my many talents

 

A disaster today

A sane, functioning person tomorrow

What happens next is unpredictable

And now it’s cold and dark outside

Brain found its twin

I still have tears left to cry

 

I remind myself that I’m alive

I’m alive

Possibly not coping as well as I thought

 

This place- I don’t want to be here

I’m haunting me

Deprivation

Where do ashes land after the wind blows?

Broken dishes

Shattered hearts

The sleeping undead

Acrobatic arrows

Hitting their target

Every single time

I don’t know how to cope with reality

So I dip my brush in the abstract acrylics

And I don’t care if none of this makes sense

If I can put up with my traumatized nonsense

For my entire life

Then you can for a few minutes

 

Craving a getaway from everything

Because everything can be too much

My heart is soft, but rough to the touch

My pen brings a chaotic ambiance

Cursed in all of the best and worst ways

Like my life

Choking the life out of me

I know how to cope with darkness

But it never gets any easier

Are bloodstains emotionally permanent?

Disconnected Weather

Pressure building

Heartbeat inside my head

I didn’t pick up a pen for a few weeks

And now, everything hurts

And the door won’t shut

The little voice doesn’t want me to stay alone

She’s smashing every lock

Ripping through hinges

Like the empty page I should be filling

She screamed at me to let myself feel my feelings

To keep the roses

Even when they have thorns

What else were you born for

If not this?

Open doors

Open me

My soul is nocturnal

A switch got flipped

And my thoughts went feral

If I tried to slam that door,

Bones would break

It’s raining

But I don’t see a cloud in the sky

I can’t put my faith in a sunrise

It feels wrong

Is the best way to learn

To be right or wrong?

You see me

But you don’t see through me

She’s painting blood

On the cerebral walls

A constant reminder of the stains

That won’t wash out

Do I need a change of environment or climate?

Moments of Weakness

Strength in numbers until the numbers are overwhelming

You could be drenched in sweat

And I’d still run into your arms

I seldom follow my own advice

And have to keep re-learning lessons

Sometimes I feel like pulling my hair out

And sometimes I feel like growing it out

Longing for shelter until it buries me

 

Too hot

Too cold

Deep in the goal of escaping anyone and anything narrow

It’s like the only time I truly embrace fear

Is when I embrace happiness

That “letting go” that everyone speaks of

I needed to take a break

To take a break from breaking

 

I don’t feel accomplished

But I do feel somewhat alive

That’s a head start in my tired, ocean eyes

Pull me out of my own head

I’d prefer to drown in anything else right now

Even if it’s you and you can’t stay

 

I’ve got everybody fooled

Until I can’t take it anymore

That’s what inner strength is for

Stretching the truth until you understand the whole truth

 

I recognize my reflection

The smile pushes through the desert

I’m still falling

My feet just want to land, but there’s no solid ground

Fondness

My insides are always changing

While my outsides pretty much stay the same

How would anyone know that I was sad

Unless I said so?

Escaped from an escape to create some semblance of home

I need to love myself like I mean it

Everyone only shows you what they want you to see

Or at least what they want you to believe

 

My thoughts tend to overpower my voice

I wish I could manage this construct we call time

But I can’t because I’m human

It’s easier to run out of control

A juxtaposition of supply and demand

 

I have myself

When I’m okay

I have myself

I am okay

For the time being

Don’t think like that

I will be okay

 

I’m a wanderer

Just as much as I crave normality

Break me down like an esteemed literary work

I’m bored

I’m excited

So much I want to do

So much I’m not sure how I’m going to do

Leave me alone and help me

 

At least I’ve got you

You deal with it too

You understand

That’s also a con

Because you won’t always be there

Correction: you’re always here

But not always on time

Don’t you just love loving someone?

Take the “F” Out of “Life”

You need a job?

Well, experience is required for experience

You need free time?

Too bad because “time is money”

Control is out of control

I’m tired of repetitive hypocrisy

I’m tired of being tired

Expectations are boring

Common sense is a rarity

Respect is expensive

 

I’m no angel, but I’m definitely not evil

I know that much for sure

I’m not crazy about my complicated existence

But I would go crazy if it were always simple

 

If you need me, you don’t act like it

But honestly, I’m better off healthy

Keeping my distance from those who love with pernicious undertones

Better late than never

I procrastinate until I have no choice

But to overwork myself or fail

Both effects are inevitable

I’m okay now

But everyone wants to get higher

The ultimate fantasy is made up of millions

Of smaller fantasies, larger numbers, and multiple steps

 

Drowning out the negative voices

Inside and outside of my head

And amplifying the uplifting ones

A daily struggle

Heart’s homeostasis

Going through metamorphosis

What’s real that isn’t ruled by fear?

Who really wants to live a li[f]e?